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There are a few moments inside of my life when I have asked myself -- why?

Why am I so often alone when I wake up to the dawn

And why am I so often alone when I close my eyes

And why is my shadow never disfigured

By another shadow along by MY side

As the sun sets upon me

And even more so when it rises



Why am I so often run away from

When I have so often been proclaimed as that ultimate and final one

- Proclaimed as that killer dame who is so different and so deep

- Proclaimed as that woman of virtue that no average brotha' could ever keep



Why is it that I have been given away

And thrown away

And tossed away

And so often ran away from after being so diligently   chased   by    he?



HE who for so very long had made it seem

As though I was all that he ever wanted to live and breathe

Suddenly I would feel myself become a walking and breathing version of - "analyze this"

Overwhelmed with questions

Deposition-ing myself and -

Repositioning myself and -

Second guessing myself

Trying to figure out what the  hell  is   WRONG    with    m y s e l f

Because of the night and day differences of my now

"Once upon a time" situation and -

How abruptly my counterpart has managed to dismiss all of our bliss

Without any sensitivity or consideration?



Was it the way I lived?

Was it how much I would give?

Was it how hard I would love?

Was it how consistently I would try?



Was I too clean?

Was I too neat?

But he said he loved my hands and that I had the prettiest feet..

But he said he loved my smile and that my kisses were so wet and sweet..

What was it?



Did I not hug him tight enough during adversities within his life?

When his time became rough and ridiculed with strife?

Was it how much I touched and tried to please and fulfill his every need?

Even the needs he never knew he had until he met me?



Was it how passionately I would copulate?

Was it how hard I made him want to cum and release the stresses of his day?

Was I not interested enough in his past times and hobbies?

Did I not make his family and his friends fall in love with me?



Or was it because I would cook all of his favorite dishes?

Grease his scalp and -

Rub his back and -

Manifest reality and truth into all of   his   dreams    and    wishes..



I've been so caught up with just trying to understand

How in the hell is it that I keep allowing the wrong man to happen to me

Again - and once again..

Damn!

Is it a pattern?

Or am I just cursed with dress rehearsals for relationships

A mirage of an oasis

Especially designed to flip my heart and -

Rip my mind..



Was it because I am different?

And only perceived as being too good to be true

So damn good that his ass became afraid and -

So damn good that he didn't know what to do?



Or was it because I was mistakably received

Under the pretenses of his premature anxieties and -

E m o t i o n a l l y   undeveloped defenses

E g o t i s t  i c a l l y   defending  his   man  against   me?

WHAT  could he have been thinking?



"...Yea, my Baby IS a princess, but is she really a Queen?

And if she's really a Queen

Am I ready for what SHE represents?

Am I ready for what THAT could mean?

Even though I know she's heaven sent?

What am I gonna do?

I've never been THIS deeply in love before...

THIS deeply gone - or - THIS deeply committed by the truth..

I KNOW she's all that I need, and so much more..

And that if I don't handle my business, I MIGHT be opening up a door..

But hell - I need some time to clear my head - this is too much for me right now..

I need some time to think -I have to go - even if it's JUST for a little while..

She'll be alright until I get my SHIT together...It won't take me long - to come back and GET her...."



Now wait a minute - how can this be?

How can this be when it was HE

That proclaimed ME as being too much

So very much that I was more than HIS enough

More of a woman than he?d ever had

Making him feel more than he ever has

More than he has ever felt or deserved

Just what he always wanted

But never thought he would receive

He should have been more careful

Because one never knows when the power of the Word is listening



And now that GOD has delivered me..

MY man has become THIS man who has decided to change

I watched this man I fell madly in love  with    l i t e r a l l y    become   estranged

Regressing all of our progress

Shutting me out with no communications and -

Abandoning our time and all of our relations

As I tried to fight him FOR him

As I tried to wait for him

As I tried to make him see..



But his only rebuttal was that I was selfish

And that all I wanted was my way

He insisted that we needed to be better friends

And that distance between us was a badly needed requirement

For if WE were really ordained to survive

GOD would create a better day for he and I..



So I watched him evolve

And throughout his metamorphosis

Everything within me for him began to dissolve

Until suddenly the fight in me began to waiver

And the more I watched THIS man run away..

The more I realized that GOD had just Blessed ME with a favor



Because THIS man I had grown to love

Really DIDN'T understand what and why I was

THIS man I had grown to love

Never captured the true essence of all my virtuality

Nor the deeply rooted potentials nurtured deeply within my soul

As OUR happily ever after

Became a myth and a disaster..



THIS man I had grown to love

Was not the Adam I had hoped he was

And he didn't realize..

He didn't realize and now he will never know

Because indifference has replaced me

Soiled and spoiled my attitude and -

Hardened my heart against he..



Now I need to clear MY head

Mourn the loss of my time and make MY way

As I declare THIS relationship

As another D.O.A.



MoodSwingz _11November2004