Anger filled me

Like the salt that fills the Dead Sea

It oozed from my pores

Like slow moving molten lava down into a village of children

It raged ominously

Like the scouring of hurricane Katrina

It nagged at me

Like a worker shredding money for the U.S. Mint

And fighting the urge to steal

It kept me alive

Feeding me like a snake swallowing it's own tail

It pressured me to act

Like a starving lion, hot on a scent trail

It rolled me up

Like an alligator in a deadly churning of it's victims

It comforted me

Like a warm blanket

And when I had nothing was there.

It pushed me to live

Just to spite my abusers

It felt good to covet it

And I couldn't feel it killing me inside

I don't know how to describe it,

But in one look of an old flame...

Happiness beaming on her face...

Her arms around someone she loves...

I realized I wasn't happy

And never really had been

Everyone knew I wasn't happy

Except me

I hid it like a drunk hides his bottle,

Concealed to him

Obvious to the world

Maybe I had tasted the sweetness

Of Peace, Love and Happiness

And I lost it

A nectar so rare...

Like the wine served at the last supper

What kind of person was I

To hate people who thought they had found it

Who was I to say that the smiles weren't genuine

That their feelings just floating leaves on a river

Superficial with no roots

I thought love was a way of

Eating without consuming

Sacrificing even unto death

Doting and Caring...

Smothering...kills everything

So afraid was I

That the bird in my hand that tried to fly away

Got crushed by my fingers

I--trying to lock onto

Something I could belong to

Something I could live for

My clutching after a key to lock away the loneliness

To ostracize the depravity and silence

Of MY...aloneness

Of course I couldn't stand it

Hate being squeezed through my body with every heartbeat

So much so

I had forgotten how to be in my own company

Because I was so busy

Finding things in others to hate

Keeping grudges for more than just rainy days

Looking at and for all the negative

That every hug and "I love you" hurt.

And any nice word said to me was bogus

Because I had never gave a genuine compliment like the ones I heard

Yet somehow,

In that valley of death

I don't know

A bird singing

A brook babbling nearby

A whisper I had never heard

I don't know

But something happened.

Something subtle...

Like instead of my getting irritated at the mud between my toes

I enjoyed the coolness upon my scorched feet

Maybe instead of trying to bust down a door

I just allowed the time to let it open

I don't know how

But it happened

Like the suns rays that spread over the land

God poured some fierce helpings of love on me

And I feel like warm syrup over a stack of hot cakes

Gone is the clutching

Gone is the fear of being alone

Gone is the fear of not belonging

Gone is that blanket of insulation--of hate

And that ulcer inside me is healing

The cancer is no more

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