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THE BUTTERFLY ON MY NOSE
Anger filled me
Like the salt that fills the Dead Sea
It oozed from my pores
Like slow moving molten lava down into a village of children
It raged ominously
Like the scouring of hurricane Katrina
It nagged at me
Like a worker shredding money for the U.S. Mint
And fighting the urge to steal
It kept me alive
Feeding me like a snake swallowing it's own tail
It pressured me to act
Like a starving lion, hot on a scent trail
It rolled me up
Like an alligator in a deadly churning of it's victims
It comforted me
Like a warm blanket
And when I had nothing else....it was there.
It pushed me to live
Just to spite my abusers
It felt good to covet it
And I couldn't feel it killing me inside
I don't know how to describe it,
But in one look of an old flame...
Happiness beaming on her face...
Her arms around someone she loves...
I realized I wasn't happy
And never really had been
Everyone knew I wasn't happy
Except me
I hid it like a drunk hides his bottle,
Concealed to him
Obvious to the world
Maybe I had tasted the sweetness
Of Peace, Love and Happiness
And I lost it
A nectar so rare...
Like the wine served at the last supper
What kind of person was I
To hate people who thought they had found it
Who was I to say that the smiles weren't genuine
That their feelings just floating leaves on a river
Superficial with no roots
I thought love was a way of
Eating without consuming
Sacrificing even unto death
Doting and Caring...
Smothering...kills everything
So afraid was I
That the bird in my hand that tried to fly away
Got crushed by my fingers
I--trying to lock onto
Something I could belong to
Something I could live for
My clutching after a key to lock away the loneliness
To ostracize the depravity and silence
Of MY...aloneness
Of course I couldn't stand it
Hate being squeezed through my body with every heartbeat
So much so
I had forgotten how to be in my own company
Because I was so busy
Finding things in others to hate
Keeping grudges for more than just rainy days
Looking at and for all the negative
That every hug and "I love you" hurt.
And any nice word said to me was bogus
Because I had never gave a genuine compliment like the ones I heard
Yet somehow,
In that valley of death
I don't know
A bird singing
A brook babbling nearby
A whisper I had never heard
I don't know
But something happened.
Something subtle...
Like instead of my getting irritated at the mud between my toes
I enjoyed the coolness upon my scorched feet
Maybe instead of trying to bust down a door
I just allowed the time to let it open
I don't know how
But it happened
Like the suns rays that spread over the land
God poured some fierce helpings of love on me
And I feel like warm syrup over a stack of hot cakes
Gone is the clutching
Gone is the fear of being alone
Gone is the fear of not belonging
Gone is that blanket of insulation--of hate
And that ulcer inside me is healing
The cancer is no more
