This waiting game...

Hell, both on me,

And on her...my love.

I cannot bring myself to kick my ex while she is down,

Going through treatment,

Still in corrections,

And then finding out her mother is dying.

I did not chose this life for my ex,

She did.

It is unfortunate about her mother.


In a past relationship

I've been dumped.

Only to see the one I still loved,

Move in with another....

Just two weeks later.

I asked myself, "Did she ever love me?"

"When did her love for me sour if it was there?"

I thought,

I will not hurt my ex this way.

She doesn't deserve the extra baggage.

Time must pass.

But I ask myself,

Why must things be all or nothing?

If I want my love,

Does this mean I stopped loving my ex?

Does this mean I stop seeing her as wonderful?


It just means,

That there is no longer a reason to stay together.

We've grown in different ways,

Gone down different paths.

She is an addict who must live her life,

In a balance condusive to staying sober,

And our relationship is/and was too much.

Too much to try and add another iron to the fire.

How can one take care of another,

In an interpersonal relationship,

When they can't take care of themselves?

And my enabling has to end.

I never thought I did,

But no addict lives life,

Without that constant support...

That loves them no matter what.

And it's the no matter what,

That is killing them.

She knows,

"I've lost my ring."

But that is a lie.

I've said it is over,

But sometimes, she doesn't hear it.

The push-pull is constant.

She wants me to wear her shirt,

The one with her name on it.

I said, "no".

I've said it is over,

Yet, she is a smart woman...

And is placing two plus two together...

Yet, I am tongue tied to tell her,

Of the woman whose voice makes my heartbeat quicken,

And soothes my soul at the same time.

I cannot tell my best friend,

A woman who still loves me,

That I am excited about someone else.

I want to say her name out loud.

I want to confess my feelings.

I want...

Time to just pass by.

And I know that my love,

Is waiting too.

She is waiting,

For the day I will confess,

For the day I rise,

For the day we no longer have to worry

About paper trails and evidence.


I am waiting on my love,

To reconcile the face of God in her image.

And not be scared by the reflection of love.

I am waiting for "crap tapes" to dissolve in her mind.

I am waiting for her.

We are both waiting.


Author's Notes/Comments: 

Just thinking out loud.  I hurt so much for Evelyn, and I don't want to cause her excess stress or pain.  However, there may be no way out of it.  My position now, lends itself to the perspective of the woman who dumped me.  I know I do love Evelyn, as a sister more than a lover.  And I love Tracy, for all her visceral strength, her laugh, her love of life and her children.  I love her for her wisdom and kindness, and how she claims respect for everyone, and demands it for those around her when people are put down.  Yet there is so much unknown to be written.

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Afzal Shauq's picture

its a good poem and interesting ..agree with your idea and theme...well done ..hope you go through my poems too...I am basically peace wisher poet with 6 books in hand and dream peace ... here is my famous say regarding peace to share with you .... (a friendly smile is the best weapon of war to fight with..afzal shauq )