November 10, 2004

I hate waiting, but I think I got through,

To the other side,

On that other line,

Where in that stupid dimension,

Locating eligible lesbians is like trying to keep ones socks


There is no concrete way to know,

Other than to ask...

Because the pride flag sticker on her car,

May actually belong to her mother, father, brother, or sis.

And these days,

Rainbows are becoming collectors items by children.

Thanks to the resurgence of Rainbow Brite.

Yet,  I'm the one who gets ridiculed for looking like a man,

Because I need to wear my lesbianism on my sleeve to get noticed.

Everything is about money,

Before long, my own mother will be on a 1-900 line.

"Subscribe now, and receive 1 month for the low rate of 19.95!"

As if I don’t have a hard enough time finding her as is!

And I hate being followed in the "novelty" shops,

God forbid, we couldn't actually feel healthy about calling it “sex”.

And that one fat slob, who keeps eyeing me and my girl,

Waiting for us to kiss,

As if we need to put on a show just for him,

He's going to get his eyes gauged out.

Why must all forms of public affection be for the sake of the public,

It’s not their ass I want to kiss.

Yet he stands there ogling,

What if the show was on the other foot?

Who in the hell would want to see him have sex with anyone?

HIM with his big ugly duck butter belly,

And that face that looks like a dead Opossum with flea bites.

And the next time the damned cashier looks at me with that smile,

As if to say, "Ooooh, someone going to love you long time."

She is going to get bitch slapped.

As if lube makes my wonderful vagina a sperm receptacle.

Maybe I should take my ex's 18 inch double headed dildo,

Forget to put lube on it, and shove it up her smiling ass.

And when my mother comes over,

Asking when I'm going to have children,

I'll open her vagina and climb back in

Until she gets the hint that I don't want any!

Then when I hear from my best gay friend who has a husband,

Goes off and has sex with three other men in one night,

I'm going to cuff him and stuff him for Thanksgiving.

No one person should have sex that often and that good,

And live to tell about it.

I hate braggers, especially when regarding their biggest lie,

I don’t know what is worse, the lie or the ego.

“Honey, I’ve got ten pounds of swinging meat.”

Get real!

The skin under his eyes would pull so bad,

His dang eyes would pop out from the sheer force of gravity.

Why am I angry?

Because when I finally get to one lesbian,

She is bi-curious,

Or is a vegetarian--I'd like to put a dead cow on her lawn.

Or she doesn't do caffiene—

Maybe this is a good thing, she won't be too edgy

    When I introduce her to Mr. Knife---

     And be bouncing around so much I can’t kill her

    Because I am tired of running into psycho bitches.

Nor should we forget the lesbian who thinks--

    YOU---are her life's work, and you need to change.

Or the one who sterotypes you into a manly role and gets mad,

    When you have no idea how to change the oil in her car.

Then, lest we not omit the lesbian who is the activist,

    Striving to make you more "world conscious",

    But all you want her to do is move out from in front of the TV screen,

    Because your world IS saturday morning cartoons,

         And sunday NFL games.

Perhaps, one should mention, the posterity lesbian,

    Who understands that your relationship is over before you do,

    And now finds it necessary to take a plethra of photosgraphs,

    So you now have one in every nook and cranny of your home.

    In as much, when the day comes that she leaves,

          You have to move because she thought:

          Kodak made wallpaper.

And the lesbian I hate the most is the TOFU GURU,

    Who is a Buddhist, and errors in her respect of all things,

    And wants to crucify you in arguments by nailing you to a cross,

    In the name of nothing.

Another lesbian, one needs to know,

    Is the one who buys every pet in the world,

    Turns the house into Noah's Ark, then says, "It stinks!"

    Because in her ultimate quest:

    To save "Sparky the dog, and Shamu the whale",

    She let the kitty pan go.

    Now everything one owns smells worse than the typical


Then there is the team jock, who only dates her softball team,

    Because she can't keep more than nine phone numbers

        To memory.

    And this is the only case we can THANK ANY HOLY ENTITY,

        That these women tend not to reproduce,

        Because Germany has enough women looking like men.

        Thanks to steroids and Arnold Schwarzteneger

However there is one lesbian that is a total rocking trip,

    Sex in the sack, on the stairs, in the bathroom,

        In the car, in the back yard,

        In the mail-box--if you both could fit.

It seems all is well in dykeland until she asks to take your mothers,

        VIBRATING DILDO, and regards your mother as

        Too old to have sex and she had better pack it in.

Then, let's not forget about the lesbian who thinks "SORRY"

    Is a life game and not a board game.

Or the woman who can't leave DRAMA on daytime soaps.

Nor shall we forget the one lesbian you do fall in love with-

"Honey, I'm sorry, but I need to tell you something.

I'm going to get a sex re-assignment surgury."

Then one needs to look at the fact...

Some and predominately most lesbian relationships last only,


That is just long enough to lust, hunger,

FEEL each other's pain,

Help each other over the crap left by the last relationship,

Only to inflict more as you kick your ex's ass

Out the front door over a petty arguement.

Because most women are possesive fiends--

And have no earthly idea why you need talk with the neighbor,

Over her sons loud music.

Either that, or they can't think for themselves,

But come at you like a shark when you


So, why am I excited about finding HER,

It's new, and I may as well get to liking and loving her


So the relationship lasts longer,

So I can have more memories than her,

Because she won't remember most of them--

And I can win--because that is what every one of my ex's

    Has explained to me in no uncertain terms.

"You took everything away from me, my dignaty, my pride..."

Funny that was never mentioned when I saw her naked,

    With her legs up in the air.

Yet, I just want to get on with my life,

By splitting the wedding gifts,

    Making sure she gets the half that has two of each item,

    Because everyone bought from the same Bridal Registry.

Then, I want to return the baby shower items,

And push her out the door while she sleeps

    In the baby carraige.

You know the airhead lesbian who has to make sure everything,

    IS SAFE.

Sometimes, I ask myself why bother,

Then I think about how much I love sitting at home,


On saturday nights,

Wondering how soon it'll be before I have to start taking

METAMUCIL for my bowels,

Have nothing to look back on in my life,

And feel worthless as a human being.

Life is short,

Play hard,

Winning is everything it is cracked up to be,

And never take "But I promise I'll change,"

As a means to therapy to glue any relationship back together.

Remember, it was broken in the first place.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

My friend and I surfed many chat rooms one night and got slap stick happy with how often sterotypes are bad, but we label and expect certian things from those labels.  I hope you have a good laugh on this one.  We've all met one or two here, haven't we?

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