I cry,

Alone in the darkness of night...

Unable to see the stars.

I, that once glowing light of a shooting star,

That grew cold, with anger, bitterness, resentment...

Now, apparently softening to the light of the sun.

My core, molten,

Sated with red hot memories lingering...of her.

My once love, my old love.

Yet it seems,

I crawl through our past,

Over stones, blood and broken glass,

In the ruins.

Trying to salvage what is on the other side,

Of this petition in my mind.

As I swipe to grab anything from under the fence,

Trying relentlessly to make sense

In these ruins.

I had let it go,

Let it pass.

She threw the first dagger...

The first shard of glass.

In the moment of bewilderment,

Like an animal that lunges in pain,

To anything that comes near it,

Be it pleasant or not, it is seen as all the same.

She threatened a lawyer that never came,

Never sent papers...

She threatened me with a stalking order,

Served those papers...

I then went to court...

And proved again, there was no claim.

But in that time,

Yes, I carved things into paper with my anger.

Somehow, I tried to make sense,

Of pieces in her life that didn't make sense.

It was cruel for her to lead me astray,

To believe a child that wasn't real,

Would be coming our way.

That a baby, in her womb,

Would indeed be born soon,

But that story didn't fly,

And still things were awry,

It never did make sense,

As I realized her life was truely on the other side of the...


In her mind.

She wanted all these things...

Her body reacted to what she believed.

Morning sickness,

Labor pains,

Lupus symptoms,

So many other things, I can't recall all the names.



But now,

She holds me in contempt,

With all my anger spent,

She's still trying to pry into my mind,

And I thinking, PEACE I'll never find.

She now says, I RAPED HER, physically,

And again by words...

She's threatening me with lawyers again...

She's threatening me with her sister,

    Whose nearly knifed some other man...

She's threatening to have a show-down at the library--

    Where we first met.

I wasn't there when she actually came...

    And I still in this fear, cannot say where I was...

    Even though she has no way of finding my web page.

All this garbage...

    Like she needs to berate me?

    When she never took her bed with her when she left...

    And her ghost still lingers there beside me,

    When at night I see her in my sleep.

She wishes the snakes in my dreams,

    Will pull me down...

    Keep me sequestered in Satan's home ground--

    What evil she has cast,

         Like a stone.

But, "She won't stoop to my level."

Yet, she already has.

I can't do this anymore...

I, for the life of me...know I can't go back--

Even if I wanted to.

It's not healthy!

But I still...


Author's Notes/Comments: 

Even though I'm safe on this web page, I still feel her eyes looking at my every move, my every word.  She used my web site against me...took my poetry to the police, who then investigated ME!  SHE CAME TO MY SITE...I sent nothing to her--Like I'd give her any means to try and twist anything into something.  "Send this poem to a friend."  Yeah, right.  I hate the five stages of grief, I know the first four well, the acceptance part is a bitch!  Although, I already know it's over and do not want this chaos back...every now and then, there'll be a memory, and for a brief moment...it all rushes back...to when it was good.  I hate that.

The fourth stanza, contains lyrics from Melissa Etheridge's song, RUINS...she is such an inspiration when I cannot find the right words.

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Luisa Rodriguez's picture

I can relate heavily to the fact that you love and miss someone once so close to you. The other stuff..well I'm sorry you're having to go through. Hopefully it'll all end soon and safely.