#suicide #love #voices #loneliness #mentalillness #depression

Maybe, I just wish

Mental Illnesses

I woke up this morning,

sat down eating cinnamon rolls

and drinking a cup of peppermint mocha coffee.

I though I could wait

but my ideas were slipping away.

As I wiped my fingers,

I felt words that needed to be written down

slip off of them.

This cannot wait.

But last night,

when the idea swarmed my brain,

I just could not get up and write it.

My fingers were already tucked in bed.

My head had already sunken into my pillow.

My eyelids had anchors and they were sinking.

My body was allowing darkness to take over.

And though this poem would have made me feel better,

I let myself slip away with it.

In the night, the darkness is so strong

and I begin to wonder,

"why is it depression strikes its worst then?"

It grabs you by the neck while you try to sleep

breathing bad memories back into your mind.

At night, I cannot handle it.

Why does it take its worst form at night?

I knock myself out

with a sugar or caffeine crash

and a few sleeping pills.

I am not the only person

suffering from mental illnesses.

And that really sucks!

Because at two in the morning,

when I fall under an unnatural sleep,

my best friend is spamming my phone

trying to wake me up.

He tells me all the pain he is in,

how the darkness is strangling him by the

neck just like my demons did.

But his has formed a noose

and he needs me to talk him out of it.

I wish I was the only person with mental illnesses.

He is gone now

and it is all because I never overcame mine.

I let mine drag me into the same darkness

he fell into.

It is unfortunate how some of us

can live through this pain we are engulfed in.

These false lives we give ourself to pretend that

at night we aren't choking on air,

gasping just for a memory of being back to when we were

children, with no worries.

Or maybe, we dream of a future

of recovery.

Maybe, we just knock ourselves out

to live another fake day in a fake world.

Maybe, we just leave

for good.

I just wish no one else had a mental illness.

So when I constantly put things off

and let myself suffer,

I don't end up ignoring people

who need me.

Maybe, I could be the person

who gets up at three in the morning,

just to remind you

there may be a future waiting for us out there.

All I wish

is that maybe I didn't have a mental illness

so I could have been the one to save you.

Instead, I tuck myself into bed,

let my body be crushed by darkness,

and fall into another unnatural sleep

where I lose another person

that I love.




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