#alone #sad #pain #hurt

Doing Time….

As I sit alone in my cell,

My mind starts to dwell,

On the fact that I’m still here

Trapped in my own hell.

 

Alone and imprisoned

By my own fear,

As I continue my sentence

Year after year.

 

My own prison I’ve built

Out of my own depression and shame,

Unwilling to forgive

I have only myself now to blame.

 

The foundation was laid

From my mistakes and bad choices,

Bonded and strengthened

By all the angry condemning voices.

 

The walls are built high,

Solid and stout

To insure that I never

Climb or break out.

 

Though my crimes were not evil

To be punishable by death

Sometimes I imagine it so

That I can breathe my last breath.

 

Loneliness and heartache

Are two things I know well,

Along with sorrow and pain

That keep me confined to my cell.

 

One day I may be pardoned

And finally set free,

From the emotional chains

That are now binding me.

 

When that day comes

Will I be reformed and made whole?

Or in this cell will I stay

 

Another condemned and lost soul?

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Invisible Man

Devoid of all substance and matter

I am empty to the core

Cold and vacant are my eyes

My soul resides in me no more

 

Love and desire have vacated my heart

And my will and hope have fled

Any thoughts of joy or happiness

No longer fill my head

 

Drained of all feeling and emotion

All that’s left is an empty shell

My tears have dried, my voice has gone

I’m now unable to cry or yell

 

My spiritual existence has ended

And left me completely hollow

If my courage hadn’t left me long ago

I would let my mortal life follow

 

Indistinguishable from the nothingness

I am the darkness’s biggest fan

As I am now resigned to be

Just another invisible man

 

 

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Unto Thyself Be True

Where hast thou gone?

Sweet innocents of youth

Thy reverence of purity

And subservient of truth

 

With poisoned treachery

Thy essence perverted

Ignorance and jealousy

Thy Inner beauty subverted

 

Heavy upon sharp thorn

My trust doth lie

Heart heavy with burden

Tears of anguish I now cry

 

Unknown to thyself

Thy sweet self dost deceive

I know not my place

To my motherhood I now bereave

 

How sweet and lovely

Dost thou make the shame

Never say that I was false of heart

As easy might I suffer myself the blame.

 

This I do vow,

And this shall ever be;
I will be true, and love eternal

 

Despite thy betrayal of thee.

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Yet, You do not care

I cried for you.

Yet you do not care.

I showed you that I was different from other men.

Yet you do not care.

I proved my love to you in so many ways.

Yet you do not care.

I stayed with you when all have turned their back on you and left.

Yet you do not care.

I speak to with respect and honor.

Yet you do not care.

I have shown you a bigger picture of our future together and taken the steps to make it so.

Yet you do not care.

I tell you, I just need to talk.

Yet you do not care.

I tell you I miss our friendship.

Yet you do not care.

I tell you that I love, need, and miss you.

Yet you do not care.

Here, you go, take the gun mi carino, close your eyes and pull the trigger.

As I feel the pain of the bullet pierce my heart. I think that now just maybe, I can rest.

As my body crumples to the ground, just maybe.

Now you finally see my pain; Oh now you undersstand.

 

30 Aug 2011

 

 

 

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Suffer

All I do is suffer. Every day I trudge through with my Salvation Army shoes. I walk amongst the halls. Avoiding who I can. Sometimes the demons I try and hide from appear and take hold of my inner being. The thought of my alcoholic father and abusive mother flash through my mind and my body reacts as though I'm being whipped. I convulse. I shiver. And because of this I'm tormented. The kids at school bully and tease me. But they don't notice the marks on my arm getting deeper and longer. The ripped up knuckles that I come to school with. The mark on my forehead where I placed my dad's hand gun and pressed it so hard into my skull and desperately attempted to pull that trigger. The marks on my neck where the rope was tight around until it broke. The kids don't notice that I am a broken child. I can never be fixed. I am worthless to everyone. One day I will gain the courage to pull that trigger. To use stronger rope. To finally end this awful excuse of a life I live. All I ever do it cut and beat myself. I deserve all I get. I'm an outcast. I'm a reject. I am just another suicide report to the police and just another kid to the students in my school. I am nothing and never will be a something

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Misery

This anger this fury,
you thrash it out in the name of glory.
I love you...you tried to 
hit me till you broke through.
You’re just ripping me apart,
your nails dig and tear at my heart.
I wish it could just all end now.
I know there’s a way, just wish I knew how.
Your words cut like knives,
you beat me with closed eyes.
I don’t know where to go.
You’ve trapped me, you have nothing left to throw.
I’m trying not to cry,
every cut you leave makes me want to die.
I’ll sit here bruised and all alone. 
I try and call for help but no one picks up the phone.
Someone help me,
I can’t win against this misery.
It’ll break me down,
and leave me lying hopeless on the ground.
Someone…come please,
I’m begging on my knees.
The lights have all gone out.
It’s to dark to tell,
I think I’ve fallen straight to hell.
God please pick me up and set me free.
I just want to escape please give me the key.
This life isn’t worth the pain and misery…