resolutions

Resolutions

I resolve
to be less sarcastic,
to be less random,
to be more normal,
to-

Screw this.

What defines 'normal',
a boring person
with no mind,
no thoughts to themselves,
no power,
no control,
no magic,
nothing I cherish,
nothing I love.

I resolve
to save a life,
to live without fright,
to never take flight-

Ah, but I contradict myself,
what is life without death?
What is living
if you don't have fear?
Is fear not our indication
that we are alive
and have something to loose?

I will save a life, though
in my own subtle way.
Befriend someone who seems down,
take someone's hand
when most would break it,
show them how to fly,
show them the length of their wings.

I resolve
to not think so hard,
to not get stressed
over things I shouldn't
need to think about.
I will-

Ah, but that's not me.
That's not me at all.
I can't stop my mind from thinking,
can't stop myself from worrying,
can't just tell my frame of mind to melt away.
Speeding trains can't stop in an instant,
not if the rails are coated with ice.

I resolve
to find true love,
to speak up,
to tell that one person I-

I can't do that either.
True love is not to be looked for,
it is to be found,
it is to be discovered.
And I'll never speak up,
I know that it's true,
I'll never tell him,
I'll never say it.
It's just not me.
Don't tell me I can because I can't,
you say there's nothing to loose,
that's stupid,
I'd be loosing what in my mind I could gain,
I'd be loosing the chance,
I'd be loosing it all.

I resolve
to write less of my own thoughts
and more stories,
ballads,
tales woven with words
I-

No, no, no!
My thoughts are a story,
my thoughts are my own.
Not for someone to understand,
not for anyone to "get".
My thoughts are my ink flasks,
my life is my parchment,
I'll keep it going,
keep on writing,
'cause when I stop,
when I put that pen down,
my life will be over,
my thoughts trickling away.
Who would have heard them?
Who would have known I existed?
No one.
And that's not what I want.

I resolve
to get my name out there,
to see it in stars,
for all to know me,
for-

Bah! Why would I want that?
Why would I want everyone to know my name?
Why would I want fans
when with every fan is someone
who wants you gone,
who wants to never have heard of your work.
I only want those who's minds are busy,
who's eyes see what I see,
a world not to be grasped,
but to be lost and found again,
those who feel so much joy at the wonder
and so much pain at the horror,
those who understand death,
those who never want to understand life.
Because life is a gift, a mystery to be solved
every mystery has a solution
but after you find it,
the mystery's gone.

I resolve
to let people understand
my strange way of thinking,
to explain something
without tilted heads
to-

That doesn't work.
My voice is so different,
my views so strange,
no one will EVER understand,
no one will EVER see.
I know that, I do!
I know that there is no one,
no one,
who thinks like me.
I've accepted that,
I know that,
but I also know,
that there are others
with this very same thought
but with very different veiws.
Who's wrong?
Who's right?
No one,
as we're all only seeing
parts of the puzzle.

I resolve
to write shorter poems-

I'll stop there.
I'll never do that.
Not ever.
don't care if no one likes it,
don't care one bit.
I'm not changing.

I've got it!
At last!

I resolve,
to never change,
to never give in,
to stay as stubborn as I am now,
to be as sarcastic as I like,
to think hard about thing's I'll never need to worry,
to let love find me
and not to look for it,
to write long poems,
to voice my thoughts,
to not care if no one understands me,
to be random and fun
and sullen and dark
whenever I like.

'Cause I resolve
to simply be me.
But that me has one thing left to do,
I'm off to save a life.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Say nothing about how annoyingly long my poems are. It's how I write.