It’s easier to see in the dark

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twodoods's picture
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Joined: 2014/06/02

Only just started writing this year after retiring any comments?

 

 

 

Looking out from the dark it’s easier to see what’s real and what’s not

Fake smiles false friendships hidden in the light shine grotesquely in the dark

Why do people say “he is in a dark place” like it’s a bad thing

Sometimes I tell people about the voices and they back away

When I realise they don’t have voices I back away

Are their lives so bland they never hear the whisper

So certain of themselves they can’t hear the roar

Do they never hear the shouting the cacophony the clamour of being

Looking out from the dark it’s easier to see what’s real and what’s not 

You get left alone when it’s dark

i_fell_on_deaths_wings's picture
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Joined: 2003/05/04
great poem. needs punctuation

 I can relate well with what you are describing here. I would only suggest to include punctuation to create a more smooth rhythm and flow with this work. Other than that great work. Post again soon.

twodoods's picture
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Joined: 2014/06/02
Thanks for the feedback, much

Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated. I have used punctuation in much od my more recent work.

Carcass's picture
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Joined: 2015/03/01
I want to start off by saying

I want to start off by saying this is a great poem.  But you posted here seeking critique so I hope I can help you become a stronger writer.  Remember, if you feel strongly about something you don't have to listen to me, haha.

 

Some suggestions I would have for you is to either use punctuation (commas) for breaks or by making it a seperate line. This way you can control the flow of the poem by influencing breaks to the reader.

 

The quote below, I would use something different on the second line instead of using back away twice. Sometimes repitition is good, but I think it will be stronger if it didn't in this case.

 

"Sometimes I tell people about the voices and they back away

When I realise they don’t have voices I back away"


Lastly, I would expand on the last line or change it to be more of a final statement.

ClyricJLawstory's picture
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Joined: 2013/03/21
I L T!

I Like This!
Being nocturnal myself the dark is very familiar. The voices, the whispers, the unseen brushes on the skin, an ever so often glimpse.... there's much truth in the dark, and so many are so unaware of what can be learned by what cannot be seen....
*much appreciation for the well written an enjoyable piece, ~Clyric

overgrown's picture
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Joined: 2014/09/27
.

i understand. most ppl r on auto pilot. i think they only hear whispers of do what u did before. act not think. or react i should say.