(T. Beechey)

'Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the abode

Not a creature was stirring, not even a toad

Well,there were a few bugs and a dog minus fur

But,no,nothing else was starting to stir

The stockings,all tattered and having large holes

All awaited deposits of large lumps of coal

The tree lights flickered over crisscrossed wires

Which,barring a miracle,would surely catch fire

The children were fighting and making a fuss

But to Mamma and me, it didn't faze us

As Junior banged Sis' head on the wall

No,the fuss didn't bother us at all

I put on my cap and her kerchief was set

We crawled into bed with nary a fret

As Sis sank her teeth into Junior real deep

"Good night," we both said and drifted asleep

Just then came a bang, then a thump and a shout

We both ran outside to check it all out

"Look," Mamma said,"up on the roof!"

I looked up to give her sighting more proof

At first,all I saw was a whole bunch of snow

"By the chimney!" said Mamma,"boy,are you slow!"

I saw a fat man with a white flowing beard

"He's holding a sack!" "Duh!" Mamma sneered

"Could it be Santa Claus?" I excitedly beckoned

"Not likely," said Mamma,"it's September 2nd!"

"Should I get my gun?" Mamma said, "I'll get mine!"

Just then,the fat man pulled out a Glock 9

"Too late!" he snarled as he fired at will

I crawled 'neath a bush, Mamma dove down a hill

The fat man kept shooting till his bullets were gone

Then he touched his nose and said,"I'm movin' on!"

I crawled down to Mamma, who lay in a heap

I asked, "Do you think the kids fell asleep?"

Mamma whacked me real hard upside the head

That's when I woke up and fell out of bed

As I laid there dazed on the hardwood floor

I swore not to drink tequila no more

"You won't believe the dream that I had!"

Mamma raised both her fists, "You peed on me bad!"

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