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SOUTHERN BEACH
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Viet Nam Pieces Southern Beach // There is a good-sized beach, "MY KHE", east of Da Nang,
on the shore of Ton Kin Gulf, in which a chunk was
delineated for use as an in-country Military R&R site and
named China Beach. Stretching out to to the north and to
the south of China Beach is the beach upon which I stand
and write this poem, while looking eastward, trying to see
America, my home\\
(1)
Victorious Warrior, // Or so I thought \\
more furious than battle-scare, // I was hell-on-wheels with a carbine or
grenade. So full of hate.
I was immortal and invincible \\
quietly reigns, yet gives no balm for sore // I had control of myself then, or so
I thought. But no balm could heal the
anguish instilled inside my gut, hard scales
over my heart, and blinders on my mind.\\
and gnawing guilt, not even for awhile. // "gnawing" is very good word \\
Highland Princesses, water-color Au Dais: // (This abrupt change of scene and
mind is a way of retreating from the
darkness of war into the light of friends
and lovers.) Ah, the girls! Those from the
city, had class, those who came into the
city from out of the Highlands were so naive that no
true gentleman would take advantage of them,
altho it would have been easy. Their traditional
pants-dresses were incredibly enticing, and they knew it!
Princesses know how to tease and how to break hearts! \\
come! COME!! Inhale with me this sweet night's air! // Mornings would bring
the breezes in off of Ton Kin, and evenings
would let the breezes flow back out. Both winds
were sweet over the city, like it was breathing. The
evening was the time for strolling and talking
on the beach, protected by the town and Military Camps
inland, opposite the open water of the Gulf. The night air was
like nectar for love and magic for friendships. Best time of my life \\
Come and tempt me, lissome "ceurvette"! // "Ceurvette" was her nick-name,
French for "shrimp", and Chevy has
named their sport-car for the way
shrimp maneuver. She had ways of
moving that would arouse a statue! Warm
and quick and soft and so alive and real!\\
"Moon" and "Sun" at Red Beach beguiled //Mei Lune, Mei Soon, Mei Ling, Mei
Lang, and other Chinese girls' names.\\
with hours of "Peace", "Love's" cousins. //Also Chinese girls, and truly cousins\\
Then rivulets, crimson, flow from Hate's blows. //Suddenly, as I held her
one night, I was washed over
by terrible sounds and images and
moving visions of some whom I'd
killed, with blood and my violence in the
awful scene. She knew it, and she soothed
me by speaking softly in French to me.\\
Etched images. Kodachrome trials. //I had taken battle-scene photos which I
turned in to my superiors. They simply
labeled them for witness of "body count.\\
Those awful mists of war and death still hiss! // The mist and hiss of PTSD\\
The "hero" in "survivor's guilt" knows //self explaining\\
just how really eternal "sad" is. //Sadness, trauma, real as yesterday, last night\\
(1a.) Offered as explanation: a doubling of the confession in the 1st part\\
Victor, your true Respite reach,
and stasis find where Life lives full
within your mind; your heart's Heart find Peace
you thought had flown; such Peace its own reward. // Some catharsis has crept
in among my memories of
the people and the beach. I did
not kill innocents. And I DID help
3 dozen to flee before Da Nang fell. The
Sweet night air reminds me of the sweetness of those people\\
It lights your tranquil path . Burgeoning vastness
pours! POURS !! , filling Life's sweet night air so full
and cool and free from badness !! // Sort of washing away guilt, temporarily\\
But not free long enough to flee // PTSD is a malady beyond medication \\
far enough to remain free,
for sudden Anguish talons this message :: //Sometimes I wake up with a
vulture's talons gripping my heart.\\
" ALL must be avoided
which brings memories of these Young Deaths !! "
( Minds lie to themselves in failed efforts
to avoid such terminal sadness. ) // "Terminal".....I will not let PTSD kill me\\
(2)
"Warriors go home" I know, // What is it about the sea and
and memories, MEMORIES we shall bring! the shore that makes waves
Oh!, of panic, of victories, of war's ebb and flow; always break IN to the sands?
of tenderest loves, pitched in Primeval pathos. Making love on the beach, with
We'll come home (with parts of us unseen); only the surf to intrude, leaves
the waves tell me I'll never feel more loss. an indelible memory of a lover. \\
(3)
Inhaled by Fate // We didn't stand a chance.\\
into her labyrinth we sailed, on hopes: //But we hope the VC would miss us.\\ "I'll be a lucky one and I'll go home!"
Then, "The Storm Before Calm"! // Always war's ebb and flow \\
"Dover", "China", "Red", "Black", "French", "Westmoreland's Beach!"
Fate threw and impaled us // We were in the control of others, those "experts" at war.
on stakes erected by Treaty and bomb. //We were just "Following Orders."\\
All of us! Strung out! Each ALONE! //We fought as one, but died as solitary
warriors, impaled on our superiors' swords.\\
"Ah, love! Yes! Let's love true!" // And her love held me upright, she was a true
gift to a man. She protected me somehow in
my battle. She and her family escaped to San Diego \\
Sans oaths, words written: we have life to share, // A Vietnamese love-proverb \\
hopes to claim, which promise us : : "ENDLESS, there!" //Hoping for Heaven\\
These sighing, crying words on soft winds blew: : // A song on Armed Forces
Radio came in the hootch windows one night,
The Shirrelles, "Will You Still Love Me, Tomorrow?" \\
(Life, ours, we'd make Love last, and ever care)
"WILL YOU LOVE ME,TOMORROW? her words cried. // She knew. We'd promised.\\
And, 'though there came no answer, yet we tried.
Rest here: safe from all Furies, nothing calmer; //Thorazine\\
the mind-grave of this tired warrior. // Here it is, my heart's ending beat, mind,
full of love and a thin veneer of remorse.
A dead mind rehearsing one thought, over
and over: "If Only....?" \\
