dying is easy

My desert girl

I’m down to my last stand,

Standing alone in a world of darkness.

Everything swarms

Slamming me from both sides.

Taunting and teasing me

Causing me to doubt my life.

Looking down at the smoking barrels of my guns

Seeing the damage I’ve caused

The pain and torment,

Everyone else is dead

Now there are more coming for me.

They come through the door guns blazing

The bullets fly by my head.

I lost count of the times I should have been dead

One down

Took three in the face

Two down

Got tagged in the chest

Three down

Missing an arm from the 50 cal.

I keep moving

Don’t stop

Trying to catch my breath again

My heart races and adrenaline going

Four down

Can’t move with no knees

Five down

Took a combat knife in the eye

I get tagged in the shoulder

Didn’t see that one coming

I’m better than that

It’s ok though

Double barrel went off in his face

The guy with no knees makes his way for his Colt 45

Gotta move quick more coming

Jumping the table, I realize that I’m hurt bad

I hit the floor and slide toward the gun

He gets there first

It’s pointed at me

The trigger gets pulled

My heart stops

It’s a misfire

As the hammer made the loud clicking noise

I grabbed the gun from him

The only thing I could do was hit him in the face with it

It bought me time to go for the USP compact on my ankle

I put the gun in his mouth “let’s talk” and asked a few questions

After he told me what I wanted to know I let him live

For the time being….

This all started a year ago

I have kids with a girl I know from high school, Christina

We’ve been falling apart for awhile

The on again off again relationship was becoming most taxing

My fault, I shouldn’t have let it go that far

I love her but there’s too many things we both need to work on

Tried working on things but they just got worse

At the time I was dating Stephanie a girl that I meet at another job

We were happy to a point but I just couldn’t stop cheating on her

I don’t know what’s wrong with me

I seem to do that a lot

Chase the good things in my life away

But no matter what she stood by me

She and I were on again off again as well

When I wasn’t with one I was with the other

Going back and forth moving each time

My life wasn’t the greatest

It’s what I made it

I just found out I had a baby on the way

Number four with Steph

I have three with Christina

Shaun, Hailey, and Ethan

It’s not an easy thing to explain so I’m not going to try

This has been going on for the past three years

I was working as a cook at a hotel going down the tubes

That’s where I meet her

She was beautiful

Long dark hair, green eyes, Perfect in everyway

We talked for the longest time got to know each other a little better

Writing notes like we were in grade school back in forth

It was a good time

Finally I asked her if she liked me on one of the notes

She wrote back yes

I wrote back no I mean really like me

She asked if I was joking

I said no

Then she said yes

Everything changed after that

I went to her other job with her

There I got to see a different side of her

Not a bad side

Just a more beautiful side

My god she could dance

We sat there and talked

Finally she looked at me and said

“I’m sorry I have to do this”

Then she kissed me

I didn’t complain, I wanted it as much as she did

When I was with her the stress in my life went away

I loved that feeling

I felt free

After that we made our way home

I was sitting behind her in the van

Holding her hand

“Where do we go from here?” I asked

“I don’t know” she replied

That night I stayed with her

Were laying on a small couch

All I could do was hold her

Smelling her hair, feeling her body against mine

I wouldn’t trade that for the world

“I’ve always wanted you. Ever since I seen you come out to fill the buffet line and you had that look in your eye. You looked so mad” she told me “I thought I want him”

I laugh and ask why

She said “there’s just something about you. I don’t know what it is”

Every night after that I stayed with her

I lied to everyone about the way I felt about her

I didn’t want to nor did she

I was thinking of myself and no one else

Dozens of times we would fight about this

Then everything would go back to the way it was

One day we were in the break room at work

She wanted me to add to my account at a local Rent to own store

I said to her “the only way I’ll do that is if I’m married”

She said “ok”

She took the cap of an A1 bottle and took the white ring that held the cap on off of it

She yelled jokingly “will you marry me”

All I could do is laugh

I accepted

It was a joke and I knew that so I just went with it

I still wear it on my necklace

She and I grew closer over time

I learned a lot about her and she learned a lot about me

I learned she moved from a big City and she was married

Her husband was in prison

I also learned he was part of a gang

A leader of all sorts

Due to his violent temper she didn’t have much of a life

This is when I became concerned

She said “don’t worry. I’m with you and nothing will change that”

I’m still trying to understand why I did what I did

I lied to her; I cheated on her, Im not proud of what I’ve done.

But would I do it again?

Hell yes, I would have to change some things about it but other than that, yes I would

It was worth it to a point

Anymore I’m so far past that point I don’t know when I past it

Later down the road she got into some trouble

This all happened before she meet me

She got some DUI’S in the past

She was still going to court trying to get it sorted out

After she got with me she cut back on her drinking

She made a lot of changes for me

I didn’t make any for her

The night before she went to jail she kept asking me to come home

I couldn’t because I had to watch my kids the next morning

I wanted to I just couldn’t

The next day she went to jail and I didn’t have to watch the kids

The next time I saw her was through a black and white TV at the jailhouse

Talking to her over a phone linked to her

There was a really bad glare in the TV so I didn’t get to see her that well

But I knew how beautiful she is so I didn’t matter

About a week later she was moved for processing

Last time I talked to her she told me

“Baby move in with Christina and save your money. When I get out we can start over”

“I don’t want to do that” I said Knowing what would happen if I did.

I made her a promise that when she got out she would have everything ready for her

I guess she doubted me. Can’t say I blame her, I did do some shitty things to her

I was trying to change I really was

I did what she told me to. I moved in with Christina and lost the house we had together

I was getting letters from her for a little wile than they stopped

Finally Christina fesses up saying she had been keeping them from me and she read them and cut them up. I was pissed, really pissed

I sent her two or three letters in the time she was gone. Guess it wasn’t good enough

She told me in the last letter I got from her that she was done with me. She wanted nothing more to do with me.

Months later she was released. I talked to her over the phone a few times. Mostly about her things I had in storage for her. The band that we defined our relationship on was Evans Blue. I found out I could make an Mp3 cd with both albums and stuff that wasn’t on cd for her. I made it for her because I knew she would love it. I text her on my cell phone and told her I was doing it. “ty” she replied. “could you meet me at the station?” she added. “y” I asked. “I want a kiss” she replied. “k” I messaged back. I walked there to meet her and waited. The whole time I was sitting on the curb I was wondering if she was serious. I hear the Harley round the corner. I see her get off the bike I walk up to her and she wrapped her arms around me and kissed me. I stood there in shock. As she pulled away from me she said “I hate you” with a laugh. Then she hands me a pack of smokes. I was like ok thanks. After that she kept wanting me near her. I just didn’t know what to think. She’s gone for eight months and comes back and at first she doesn’t act like she wants anything to do with me now she wants everything to do with me.

                                   All she kept saying was I hate you. But that didn’t matter. I was just happy to feel her in my arms again. I left the station and went home. The smile on my face wasn’t because I thought I got away with something or that I was proud of myself. It was there because I was happy. A few nights pass and im on the phone with her talking about old times. We can be on the phone for hours and talk about nothing. “we should get a hotel room. I wanna sleep with you. Just sleep next to you” she said “That’s going to be kind of hard. I live with Christina and she thanks she’s my mom” I said. I lived with her at the time. We tried working things out but it just wasn’t working. She didn’t listen to me and she didn’t support me in anything. I realized what she was after three and a half years. “well try” she said. She said she missed me. So I did what I could. I set up for us to stay with a friend of mine. He knows what she means to me so he was more than happy to help. I know it was wrong but it was for her. I didn’t care. We went out of town to be together. We went to pick her up and her ride got mad at her because she was going with me. “he got mad and left me here” she said. “Im sorry. Do you still wanna go? If you don’t wanna go you don’t have to.” The option I laid out for her. “No. I wanna go” she said. We went and got her. We sat up and I showed her pictures that I took when she was gone. Filled her in on what she missed. Then we went to bed. She and I sat up for hours talking. I told her what I felt. She told me what she felt. We laid there and kissed and held each other like we used to. I stared in her eyes every chance I got. I always got lost in them. We ended up making love that night. Just falling asleep with her in my arms was enough. Just smelling that smell again. The Perfume is still in my blood. The next day everything went to hell. My sister called me early that morning, she said to me “Josh you need to get home now! The Landlord came in and said that if the house isn’t cleaned by today you have a week to get out and she said she was going to call DCFS.” I sprung out of bed. Woke everyone up and went out the door. My friend stayed and helped me clean. We rushed on everything and got it done. Shortly after that I was told to move out of Christina’s house. So I did just that. I ended up moving in with my friend Jacob.

                                  The fact of her Storage or my storage for that matter. I took her things and put them in a storage shed wile she was gone. After my hours were cut at work I couldn’t afford to pay for it anymore. I had some of my things in there as well so I went and got my things out and left hers there. I tried to call her friends to come get it but no answer or when they did answer I got “Ill come get the key from you”. They never came to get it. I looked at my friend at work and said “It’s funny Dude, I know when she gets out and if she loses her shit im gonna take the fall, I know it. Im the devil and their angels.” Sure enough I was rite. So I went and got a loan to pay it up so she could get her things. I was 50 short but she said she would have the rest. I was hoping after that we could work things out. I thought everything was going good. We watched the moon eclipse, we made love, She told me she loved me, she introduced me as the love of her life, she stayed together as much as possible, she told me if things were different she would marry me, it was like we were together again. After I got the loan and gave her the key to the shed and told her were it was, she told me that she’s with an ex-boyfriend that she always talked about when we were together. I felt like I was kicked in the nuts with a razorblade tipped boot. Everything that was said and done meant nothing to her. Im guessing that’s what it was. After all that happened I just snapped. I got to the point were I didn’t care about anything. I felt dead. Numb to the world. She told me to leave her alone. So I did just that. That just made things worse. I lost my heart. My ribcage busted on and was ripped out. I had to get my heart back. I can’t live without it. I began working at a new place. I haven’t seen her for months. Well I’ve seen her in passing I just never let her know I was there. I Just gave up. Shes happy that’s all I cared about. When I do see her my heart stops. Every part of me wants to walk up and ask her how shes doing. Then theres the other part of me that wants to hide and just go.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

this is a story i started to write. ill add more to it.

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