Author Information
my phoenix
---------
prologue
---------
i'm twenty year's shy
of my redemption,
my heaven of ripping
her open
and letting the stars fall out.
watch them drop and form
a pretty circle round my head
watch them fade and gradually
die as time goes
by,
and there will be nothing but
my heavenly redemption.
---------
I
---------
get out of my head
get out of my head
get out of my head
get out of my head...
get out of my head
get out of my head
get out of my head
get out of my head....
get out of my head
(he's holding his face in shaking hands)
get out of my head
(rocking helps the coldness fade)
get out of my head
(eye's are blurring, madness dawning)
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
now.
get out of my head
get out of my bed that i have made,
tucked sheets of bright red melancholia
are soiled by your touch.
get out of my head
get out of my reasoning for wanting
to live. you couldn't hold honesty
to fan the flames of trust.
get out of my head
get out of my world of sanctimonious hate,
the guilt of having to inflate
my heart to feel, something.
---------
II
---------
forgotten youth.
started in sickness, fever
burning and eye's dilating
unconscious morality
was taking over
and i didn't care
all i needed was the serenity of
malignant dependence
of one’s own weathered
gondola,
through time and tide
without the consolidations
and preoccupations
of where i was going, floating down
far too slowly on the river-not knowing
truly what was hiding behind
each placidly curved bend.
and marvel at the beauty
kissed by what,
only flames created;
(cinder salvador dali's,
and ashen antichrist marilyn's.)
the river bank was melting
seeping like creeping ivy
into the waters blue.
fought and sunk in whirlpools
sucked down into
the opaque depths,
never again i heard.
it’s shrill demented voice
i had heard, back beyond the horizon
of the river,
ugly children and forty year old
choir boys, teaching me the a-b-c's
it was calling me
harpies singing
telling me to come
join them, 'join us!'
they harmonised as they sunk.
and i fucking loved it, the hard on
i got by seeing the banks and idyllic
surroundings
all burning into hell
grinned from ear to ear
beared my naked self
hidden within
that wanted to watch
and revel in the scene.
---------
III
---------
get out of my head
i'm left with a coy smile on my face
for this way shows a path, the path
it leads to madness,
in madness comes
peace
get out of my head
the devil and me got some things
that need to be said.
this straight jacket,
when did i purchase this?
get out of my head
i'm a fifty/fifty houdini
disappear from your minds gaze
but not from my very own.
get out of my head.
get out of my head
i need this, you can grow why can't i?
i want this achillies lust for life
this sanctified madness
get out of my head
for when this madness crawls up
my spine, and sinks into every inch
of rotting flesh left out
in the sun
you wont want to be in there
i'll be free.
---------
VI
---------
i was knee deep in water
extending my arm out to touch
beauty that rippled burned
slowly
upon the river bank.
i stared, and stared into it,
and stared in through it
and stared from inside of it,
but i couldn't hold it
it trickled through my fingers
i didn’t want it to go, liquefy
before my non believing
eye, grabbed hand fulls
of heaven but i was holding
water
'join us'.
joined them.
---------
V
---------
get out of my head
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
i feel your teeth sink
into my memories and dreams
and it's hurting.
can barely string
sentence's together
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
my mind wanders off occasionally
and never seen again
get out of my head
the shadows are turning scary
like they were ten years ago
so many things that go
unseen, are lurking
in those holes
of light.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD! i want
my voice given back
to scream from lofty buildings
at the pale moon
get out of head
and do it soon.
---------
VI
---------
the caverns melting i was sitting in
with this sheet of clear pearl canvas
that was empty, unscathed by another's
brush
my beauty reclined on the floor
naked demure, uninhibited
by a strange boys eye's.
she shines, my brush starts moving
devoid of control
from the brain
i'm painting love scenes, fight scenes
denial scenes, so avant garde
very noir scenes,
i was working
on a thing of art.
---------
VII
---------
get out of my head
get out of my head
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
now.
---------
VIII
---------
i saw her in abstract, cubist,
impressionistic, baroque
and renaissance, expressionist
the museum where they have
my heart on display
is learning to feel.
---------
IX
---------
get out of my head
i will run till the morning
sun, to marathon
i warn you
GET OUT OF HEAD!
---------
X
---------
she is looking pale
and disinterested
my muse is looking elsewhere
and beginning to move away
and i can not shut it off
this once redundant organ
where is the floodgates?
my rippled burning beauty
is melting away to nothing
of her own doing,
and my heart must bear the brunt.
---------
XI
---------
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
GET OUT!
GET OUT!
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
i've been purging
this soul's been fasting
-clearing, away all cobwebs
of forgotten youth,
but no more.
i can hear it, on the mirror
(knock knock)
it's saying let me in
let your old mirror image
in
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
and i'm going too.
for i want freedom
i want an angel at
my table
so i can fucking stab it
with my fork.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
i want a child, with ribbons
and curls
to sell me girl guide cookies
so i can tell her to fuck off.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
i want cripples and elderly
people to lay down
on broken glass
so that i may kiss them
with army boots.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
i want perfection, i must have it
i must have my machiavellian self,
i want my fucking life back
not a dusty photo frame
with picture inside
showing me what i use to be.
---------
XII
---------
i took up my oar again, with its
unfaltering devotion to me and weathered gondola,
and we pushed off from the banks that once were there
but live in opaque dreams of mine.
there was no trace of my beauty
she had slid under
leaving no footprints
on the air.
and left alone with these questions
of what i am to be
to wander down those waters
embracing whatever came from around
the next placidly curved corner
of the river.
where is my strength? i feel so weakened,
the melting landscape
gives me nothing, no joy
or laughter
only regret,
that i could not hold
my rippled burning beauty
just a little longer
i know not what i am to do.
---------
epilogue
---------
your fading in my head
your fading in my head
your fading in my head
your fading in my head…
goodbye forever
february moon.
your fading in my head
your fading in my head
your fading in my head
your fading in my head…
this is the age
of action,
therefore
my lorenz attractor
is taking over
your fading in my head
your fading in my head
your fading in my head
your fading in my head….
and as like stars, gradually fade
leaving holes in the night’s charade
you will fade too, leaving
my tranquil black to wash over
me, sweet heavenly redemption.
you have gone
for good.
