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All When You Were Drinking

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2012

May 31, 2012 7:15pm
I look in the mirror, and I'm trying to find
The girl who was there from 5 years behind
And then it hits me like a ton of bricks
I remember the force I felt from your fist
And I think of who I was and how I didn’t fight back
I just lay on the floor, then it came again- SLAP!
I pretended to sleep, but you told me to wake up
Pulled my hair to help me stand up
I don’t know how it ended, I just remember that it did
Then I sat on our couch, like a scared little kid
you held me close and said "don’t be like that"
I winched at your touch, I was hurt- pretty bad.
Then you asked me to go get you your Winston S2's
I said I'd go in hopes to get away from you
My plan was the hospital, I could ask for an ice pack
It was my chance to get away, so I parked in the back
I walked in bleeding , My face already bruised
The lady asked me to wait there, then asked if I was abused
I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream
I wanted her to hold me and say it was a dream
I should have known -How stupid can I be!?
There were signs leading up to this, why didn’t I see?!
She walked away, asked me to wait right there
Saw her dialing the phone, so I left- I was scared!
The person I am now, looks back and wonders
If that would have happened today- would I have even had to go there?
HELL no! YOUR ass would have been kicked
I've got some guns on me now, they look pretty sick
I never would have stayed another two months
And all your begging and pleading wouldn’t have done much
Remember the night you were waiting on the porch
Threw all my things on the lawn all broken and crushed
I would have thrown them all back at you, broken and all
I would have blocked your number right there, not answered your calls
Remember the time you grabbed my wrists
held me down on the bed and made me punch you in the chest?
Remember when you unplugged the internet and hid the phones
so when I tried to call 911 I was stuck beaten at home?
Remember when they came you showed them your chest
said I attacked you- "She's crazy!" and it was all red
Now this poems getting long but I really must say
I would have whooped your fucking ass if you would have tried that shit on me today.

Fuck you.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This one was about an ex boyfriend i had that used to beat me. We werent together very long and I ignored all of the signs. Long story short, before he ever laid a hand on me I was really mad at him for the night before throwing a chair at the TV after drinking and taking my perscription hydrocodine for pneumonia, so i walked away from him. He grabbed my arm to turn me around and my head hit the wall. I fell and blacked out and at first he said "Are you okay!?" Instantly he stood up and told me to "Get up- you're not even bleeding bitch". Still- STILL I moved in with him the next month and a week after my 21st birthday is when he actually physically hurt me. I thought he had broken my face. I even had a chance to report him because he stalked me at work and my boss knew he had been abusing me. I know you're not supposed to air all your dirty laundry out on the internet but I am PROUD of what happened to me. Not in a sense of being a fucked up person, but in a sense that I am SO much tougher than I was back then. I am stronger because God knew I could handle it and he put the right people in my life at the right time to motivate me to leave. If you or someone you know is a victim- please know you never have to be a victim- you can be victorious and fight back. You have every right to live your life without constant fear. The first day this all happened we were supposed to go bible shopping together- so just because he wants to be a good christian- doesnt mean you should stay. That was my excuse for awhile. That and he kept saying he'd quit drinking. (He still drinks to this day from what I know). I hope this brought you some hope. Hope that there are other people that have gone through the same things. I had to put things off in my life because of him. I had to quit the fire department, I failed school, I was lacking in job performance, and I had lost all of my friends. Today I have wonderful friends, a God that loves me, I'm back on a different fire department, I have probably too many jobs, and am going back to school this August.

Life.
Gets.
Better.

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last updated 1 June 2012 - 3:28am
©1 June 2012 - 3:25am — StandInThaRain
3 June 2012 - 2:26pm — Irockpoker
Irockpoker's picture

Wow

I hate to say great work... But it's sad and im glad ur ok now :) I don't wish hate on him but for him to get better :) I do wish people never have to go through this and for that I'm glad u are here to let people know and how to prevent the situation :) hope all is well now and u deserve so much :) thank you for your work :)

irockpoker