Profound Thoughts on Feelings and Emotion


I find myself, at sometimes and others, departing this world; leaving this reality behind for a better place.  I drift away into these deep philosophical thoughts, where I consult my inner self on the meaning of things.  I become confused of my feelings, they don't seem right.  I've had a good life thus far; I've had no major qualms that I can recall.  And yet, I'm filled with these feelings of loathing, abandonment, and neglect.  

Mostly though, I feel regret.  Regret for whatever has caused this change to seemingly come over me.  If it is a change at all... perhaps I've always been this way, but it is just now that I am bothering to ponder it.  What causes in me this need to get away, this need to sink into myself and create my own world?  I find myself confused in even greater capacities when I discover that I am unable to relate my feelings to others.  I am unable to seek the company of other people to share my problems, to share my feelings, and to find hope and aid in their willingness to listen.  

Why am I unable to connect with people?  I feel myself getting anxious and scared when I begin to feel close enough to someone to be able to relate to them and connect with them.  I feel as though I need to push them away.  I tell myself it's to save them the trouble of having to deal with my problems and issues.  I tell myself it's so they don't have to share my pain.  But deep down I know it's me.  I know they'd not think twice about helping me, that they'd just be right there beside me, patient and understanding like a friend should be.  

Deep down I know that it is my fear controlling my life, and that I'm trying to protect myself.  From what, you ask?  From having to trust someone.  From having to trust them with my feelings, and with me having the feeling that all that trust will do for me is cause me pain.  Pain from the betrayal that I convince myself is imminent.  I don't know why I feel that I will always be betrayed, but the feeling is there, and it is real to me.  

It is because that feeling of betrayal is there, with the combination of so few childhood memories that makes me wonder the source of my feelings.  Was there something that happened in my past to make me feel this way, and I simply don't remember because it was too traumatizing for me to deal with at such a young age?  Could that explain the strange child-like qualities people so often tell me I possess?  Am I just now becoming able to come to terms with whatever happened?  Right now, I am feeling as though that is the only possibility.  I've had a good life.  I remember no major upheavals or betrayals in my life thus far.  So what has caused all these deep, depressing, and dark thoughts to reside within me?  

And it is this challenge that I present to my inner-self, and to anyone else I manage to trust with these thoughts: What has causes all these deep, depressing, dark thoughts within me?  And once that question has been answered perhaps then I will be able to pose the second of, how do I start to deal with them, to make them go away?  Or if that is not possible, accept them and learn to face them?

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