Human Understanding?

Life is life.  It is what it is.  You get out of it what you put in, right?  I think this is true.  At times the energy isn't even there, the body is heavy, it feels ill, it needs darkness.  I've felt this sensation quite a bit, it is easy to recognize when it happens.  I nap or smoke too much at times like this.  But sometimes I feel an itch, a nagging that tells me I'm missing out on something.  I try not to contemplate what I'm missing out on, because we all are absent somewhere.  Nobody can be everywhere at once, unless you're some sort of spiritual egomaniac.  Spiritual egomaniac.  That's an oxymoron, isn't it?  The ego is personality, "self".  It perpetuates all individualistics characteristics.  We have our likes and dislikes, our maybes and definitely nots.  This is the ego, and its only concern is making sure you get what you want.  I really doesn't know what the body or self NEEDS.  In fact, I think it confuses the two all the time.  Desire is need, as far as the ego is concerned.  So where does the spirit figure into this?  A good part of the soul is channeled through the ego parts of the brain, which makes the soul so dificult to define.  In fact, forget about defining the soul, that's pretty much a repeating endless circle of questions and half-truths.  A serpent eating itself for eternity.  The difficulty is actually being able to tap into the soul, to even be vaguely aware that it is there.  There are many ways to reach it, drugs, sex, meditation, that's not really my focus here.  There are a number of viable ways, which no one can really teach to another.  It needs to be a personal process of experimentation, accompanied by perhaps a deconstruction of accepted thoughts and morals within the self.  The reason this cannot be helped along by outside others, why it can't be taught, is a matter of symantics.  Communication between all of us is imperfect at best.  We attempt to express deep seated, innermost emotions and thoughts through words, mostly.  There are other forms of communication of course, but everything is based on language, to the point that every thought usually is accompanied by a silent indescribable voice in the head.  So, in a way, most of us communicate with ourselves through spoken language, which is unfortunately really inefficient.  So how can we let another understand our spiritual needs, in a way which leaves no misdirection, skew, or doubt?  I don't think we'll ever be able to.  If one were able to perfectly, precisely express emotion through words to another, there is a problem on the other end of the equation.  Unless the person receiving the words is a completely unbiased, impossibly open-minded sponge of some kind, the words reach this person in an imperfect way.  The sad thing (or maybe it's good this way) is that nobody is this pure in mind and soul, even babies are born with memories and sensations of the womb.  It's impossible.  So what happens is we hear the words, and we take their meaning from our own conceptions of what they mean.  We are not relating to the other's exact emotion, it is a relation to a memory of our own, which we attach to the word.  Lots of times they are similar, people can "relate" to one another, or they clash, there is either confusion or ignorance of the meaning.  My point is that nobody can completely understand another, to a point where the two are equal, perhaps maybe even one and the same.  Which is why, one person's understanding of the spirit is most likely completely different from another, and to try to explain or teach to that other person what you feel in your very being is just futile!  It won't work!  It's cellular, it's atomic, even more than that.  But if we bring ourselves back up to the ego reality of the world, we are able to relate, teach, learn, understand.  Always, we will retreat back and form our own conclusions, though.  And that is what I must now do. . .

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