The Next Step

I'm terrified of the next step, a life that keeps moving and never lets up. Pieces in a puzzle, I have no clue where what fits. As if I'm playing chess, yet I don't know where to place my next move, but I know I have a king to protect. I'm stuck in a place with a million ways to go, so many aspirations, so many dreams to achieve. Why does God enable such free will? Why are we such complex species, that hold existential thought, yet search a lifetime for fulfillment. One way entails a life I dream for, passion heavily resides. One way entails a life I work for, passion resides but at times subsides. One way entails a life expected of me, I'm afraid to disappoint. More life choices, more ways, more wills, so many passions, but which do I fulfill? I, at times, care of people's judgement and what they think of me. What if life totally rearranges, into something I never thought it to be? I can be an artist with so many muses. I could be a worker with diligency, work ethic and drive. I could just as well be a bum, distastefully live and then die. I hold a backdrop of support, various outlets, from family & friends. Pieces of myself push me through from that of love, dreams, willpower, heart, all a part of this puzzle of a life I was born into. A myriad of reasons to move forward, however each day of continuation intimidates me, fearful of what could be. If I were to fast-forward 20 years from now and look into a mirror, would I recognize what I see? I want to please everyone around me, though I can become selfish, especially at the points in life, where I feel helpless. Tick-tock goes the clock, another heartbeat, another minute gone, I pray for stability. I try to take it day by day, plan ahead, because if I didn't, I'd go insane & probably blow off my own head. I find myself at times trying to kill the time, but realize how much I waste, should I turn the page, create a new face? I have parts of me that resemble each of my desires, each day attempt to re-kindle, these embers of the fire. I don't want to lose love, I don't want to lose hope, I don't want to lose friends and family, but if I were to, I don't know if I could cope. I'm frightened by the idea that I'll be in a different place some years from now, I don't want all these memories to easily erase. What if I could be happy doing something else? Can love rule over my heart or do I only love myself? I want to have kids, and be married, and stress about little things. I want my wife to be happy, and provide my family with everything. I want to be self-less in the life I could live, but must I be selfish, and take before I can give? The next step holds a door full of possibilities, everyone just wants to be happy, so I ask, will I be? I want to be prideful of the life that I made, I want to be passionate, but don't want to lose all the love that I could save. I try and try again, and most of the time fail, but what if I were to try, and the next step of life begins to set sail. Or has it already begun? Am I questioning away(?), wasting my own time, to my dismay. I repeatedly cry, each and every day, I'm scared of the next step, I'm scared of losing me. I'm scared of disappointing. I'm scared of judgement. I'm scared of being wrong. To whom do I vent? What if I am wrong about the religion I should follow, or the God that I should worship? What if all these emotions, delay me from my true purpose? Or from my true purpose, will I run?

Set in stone, is absolutely nothing. Life is open to interpretation, and life can become anything that one chooses to make it. What if I die before I even get going? What if I'm already in the wrong place, and it's only downhill from here, will I be able to make it through each and every year? I'm afraid to leave scars, because scars never heal. I don't want to fatally wound my heart or anothers', don't want the loves of my life to disappear. How do I set myself in the right direction, how do I attain, and under who's protection? I, at least hope to keep my affection, towards my destined love. For I know she'll help me to relieve, all of the demons and questions burning inside of me. I'm so concerned about the next step in life, that I give myself palpitating anxiety, and then become depressed because I have no idea what I wish to be. Maybe it's just early and I don't have to worry yet. But knowing there's stress ahead, already gives me stress. Out of all the options, that life allows me, and between all of the choices that I'll make eventually. I truly hope that love prevails as my steadiness, even if these passions and dreams come to fruition. I want it all, though I'm not the only one. I'm already 20 years in, I've already set the tone. Don't want to lag behind. Don't want years over which I'll drone, an unchanging intonation, I shall reap what I have sown. But embracing this next step, feels like the longest of any trials. I guess hope and perservance help to make it worthwhile. If I do make it, I just hope all my loves accompany me too. I hope they can understand and forgive me, for anything that I may put them through. I'm already readying myself for the hurt that I may feel, though shaping my dreams into a reality, I will work for with unprecedented zeal. Life may be hard, and the thought of a whole lifetime is completely wild. So even with the endless questions posed, and the unknown answers, everyone endures this same inquistion. Unknown is how I'll travel. Along this road of life, I'll create a plan, I'll form my dreams, and do my best to fill demands. I'll do my best to succeed, attain those dreams, and become a better man. Even in turn, try to be a leader and give a helping hand. I'll give it my all to make all whom I love happy and to be a good person, to be content with myself in all aspects, and always remind myself that it's worth it. Many mistakes lie ahead, I shall be prepared. I think I talked myself into this next step of life, because I'm no longer scared.

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fuche_bu's picture

Don't tell me you're already

Don't tell me you're already 20.  That's just making me feel really old and in the way.  Life is scary but keep the faith and be yourself.  There is a lot of wonder to be found and joy to be had.