Conversations with a Suicidal Man

As I approached the bench, there sat a man whose tears and facial expression could be felt for miles. Emotions so deep they radiated from his aura, entering his personal bubble of space, immediately changed my own emotions. This man, his facial expressions, the way he hung himself on this old, wooden bench. I sat beside this man, intrigued by his cloudy aura, questions posing throughout my head. I asked this man," Why do you hang yourself so low, what has you so down and on edge?" The man kept his gaze to the floor, his expression unchanged and desolate as ever. An awkward silence filled the air, awkward for me, most likely emotionally unaffecting for the man. He then proceeded to respond," I want to end my life." Thrown back in sadness, I swallowed the verbal pill he provided me, and curiously, and even caringly decided to explore this man's reasons for such a state of mind. I posed the man with another question, "What in your life has permitted you to reach such a conclusion?" The man's gaze still unchanged, he exhaled deeply, turning his head in my direction and then proceeding to lock his eyes with mine. Here the man explained his reasoning, his state of mind, and why he was so inclined to take his own life... the man spoke to me and here's what he had to say:

 

"The truth is... I lost myself. I'm not the same man I thought I once knew, I don't feel like myself and I feel like I'm watching my own life from the sidelines, as if I'm conscious of my good and bad decisions, but-- overall, what meaning do I truly hold as a person? I've become attached and obsessed with things that hold no real value but hold cell blocks in my mind, I've become lost in my own image, failing to recognize myself at times, falling in and out of myself over and over, repeatedly cycling through the same accumulation of emotions that emit from the downs and are only temporarily supressed when I'm up. These emotions that encompass my mind are feelings of sorrow, sad painful thoughts, snowballs of anxious thoughts, and depressing feelings. Life quickly changes with different circumstances that create different situations in different stages of life, and for me, different stressors, different emotions, differences that have accumulated to a point of potency in my own head. I'm narrow headed, know what direction I want to head in, and success drove me. Though, not always in positive directions, I craved success, acceptance, and satsifaction from my own vindication, a true confirmation in my own head, not a temporary convincing of my own mind of appeasement, but a true settling, fulfilling feeling that fills any hole of desire to strive for something successful. Striving to points where I've pushed my body and mind to points of no return...I had bulimic tendencies and terrible body image association, all bad but done nonethless. My mind fed this as a success outlet, flushing my body in whatever manner that could feed my mind even if my body suffered as a result. I hate myself for it but I felt trapped like I had no other choice, I began to question how I lost my health so fast. How does life move so fast and slow at the same time? It feels like I'm watching a movie of my own life that doesn't pause but has a beginning and an end, but this movie feels like at times that it goes on forever or flys by all-together. My own movie watched externally from my own head, my own mind feels detached, I feel emotions but then again hold no regard for my own emotions or well-being. My loves in life were the only things that held me steady, a loving mother, a sister I adored, family all around me. The steadiness soon began to fade as my dark thoughts began to increase. I regret many decisions I made and could've avoided over the years. People I've hurt, erased, and places I've disappeared to. I'm so hollow, with all these people in my life, I'm still held down from an undeniable leech of my mind, my death. My death looms overhead and wanting to die holds corners of my mind. Sneaking it's way into the spotlight of my thoughts every so often, snowballing and building upon each visit knowing that one day eventually it'll break me down. As my life around me continued to collapse, so did my mind and soul, reaching an almost unreturnable point. To a point, that I know pains my loved ones, but calls my name. Death I so long for, life I lack a lust for, with so many questions that reside in what awaits me thereafter, and an aching desire to flee these thoughts of mine. Never disappointing anyone, never hurting anyone, never messing up, never receving judgment, and knowing I'm happy and all whom I love are happy even before my own happiness... these are the aspirations of my dreams. Life is not such though, life is dreary, with flashes and times of happiness, with people, though all fleeting at some point or another. Every choice I've made in my life, there's another me out there that's made the other choice that I didn't make in this life, possibly living a happier life, though the choices you make outline the life you receive. I only feel power in knowing I can end it all, in knowing I can reach something, a satsifcation, where there's no stress, no hurt, no bad thoughts. I am compelled. I subconsciously hope for bad to occur to me so I can be rid of my responsibilities, that way I have an escape, and am then able to only receive love and condolences from all. Selfish, yes I know. But, I just want happiness even if it's in the most cruel of forms. I deterioate my own body's health in some crazy hope for something much worse, a physical cancer, a way out that doesn't require me to embarass my family or hurt them with my own self-inflicted death. Knowing then that they'll still live on with my death much easier if not self-inflicted. "

 

I was taken aback by the sheer depth of emotions this man exuded, but I wanted to understand more. Laying my questions, concerns, and thoughts aside I exited my head and let the man continue...

 

"I withheld lots of secrets in my life, and have had many regrettable decisions and negative thoughts throughout my life, but I know in my heart I'm good. I don't desire to hurt anyone, I only desire love and happiness for everyone, and to know what that actually feels like. That's why I practice smiling in the mirror, perfecting a smile that all view as natural emotion, or raw happiness, but truthfully a gracefully masked demon resides beneath that smile with a pool of problems and a field of fallacies. I wish I had the drive to stay longer on this Earth, but I know this life only offers me one sweet release, one real freedom. This life has offered me many belief systems, a truth I'll have to uncover for myself. Were all just people, things, human beings living in this place, odd and unique on our own, all controlling our own destinies, and emitting our own emotions. All built and shaped in different ways, humans with different experiences, emotions, physical appearances, all of that stuff. Some are built for great things in life, some not. Who knows what I could've been destined for but I knew what I felt and how I was, but not exactly who I was. I know I hold love in my heart, I know that."

 

The man's voice began to crack and his tone changed from his elaboration of his desired suicide to one of a farwell...

 

"Please just in your life, love and live on, not for me, I am merely a stranger, but for yourself young man. Don't depress, don't stress, if you must grieve then do so, because life is one stop awaiting a next unknown destination, so please live and be happy. Live a life I couldn't, move forward and love everyone. As I speak to you now, don't dwell on me, dont be sad or emphatic for me. Let there be happy memories in your future, and create a place of happiness in your heart that can never be torn down. I have decided my life is over, but you young man have a chance to be happy. Knowing I can leave this here bench, and have the hope that you will be and find happiness will grant me peace. Knowing someone out there is truly happy, I can end my life, and the unquenchable thirst shall be satsified. Then, I will finally be happy."

 

I stared intensely at the man, processing all of the deep information he elaborated to me. I realized my question and curiousity in a man who is suicidal turned into much more. I wasn't some mere bystander, in which he confided his thoughts to. No, I was his last face and human relation.  I soon realized this man didn't explain to me why he wanted to commit suicide, he verbally provided me with his suicide note. The man then looked at me and smiled, as he got up and walked away into the distance. That smile was unforgettable, almost perfect. I questioned whether that smile was the same smile he practiced in the mirror for all to see, or was it truly genuine. As the man faded into the distance, I sat in the heavy air that now filled my mind. Thoughts racing throughout my head, but emotions fluctuating rapidly on all I just heard. Though, I just continued to sit on that bench, unmoving for hours. I realized the man walked away into his death, his suicide committed shortly right after speaking to me. A ball of saliva that filled my mouth were like rocks trying to swallow it down. I heard, I listened, and was in utter dismay. But, there was nothing I could do but appreciate the man for sharing with me his deepest of emotions, opening my eyes in new perspectives. I then understood the man as I sat on that bench. Whereever he went to thereafter, was where he desired to be. All I could do was smile, because I knew what I then wanted in my life. Due to the man, I then knew the answers to my own life: love and happiness.  

 

 

 

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Morningglory's picture

Intense

This reminds me of a man who told me about being suicidal. He said some people fiends saved his life the night before. They talked him out of it. A few days later he did the task. He lived upstairs from my office. Heavy thoughts surround. But, in a way I felt like you here. He was just so unhappy in this life...


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