How the Earth Came to Be

There once was a giant head in the sky. The giant head was all powerful. Mainly because he was the only one in existence. Perhaps because he created all of existence! Except for maybe the existence that was existing for him to come to be able to exist in for him to create our existence.

Well anyways, the giant head was lonely. So he created a vast system full of various galaxies and planets. However, out of the infinite planets he felt only one deserved to be occupied.

First, he planted fake bones around his favorite planet, that he would dub Earth, in order to test his true favorite creatures faith in him. He made a female and a male human being. The giant head didn't give them clothes because he hadn't invented Pornhub yet and was getting a little lonely up in the sky by himself. However, the giant head fucked up and created a talking snake as well who, scared the humans would eat him for dinner, talked them into being vegan and munching on some apples instead. Little did the male human know that that would be the only munching he'd do that night.

Although, the female didn't mind because upon eating the apple she realized her love for fashion and began making her own designer leaf clothing line. Also, the female orgasm was never created and her only purpose was to expel spawn and obey her man. And so they did. Apparently. Because from those 2 came to be billions of other humans.

As a result of the inbreeding that ensued the population became quite susceptible to dumb ideas. The giant head realizing this at a future date knew he fucked up and flooded earth like the toilet bowl it was killing all but 4 people to start the inbreeding all over again. The Men and Women started to see each other as equals and he couldn't have that shit so the only option was starting all over again. But that's neither here nor there. 
So once the male and female started their spawning spree of incest babies (which at a later date in the humans time period this act of incest was made to be something to be worshiped, hence the Royal Family was born) the world was eventually populated with their spawn.

On one fine day the giant head found a particular female that he found attractive. The young woman was a virgin and the giant head really really had a thing for virgins. So in an attempt to save this woman's attractiveness and to keep his fetish alive, he magicked a baby inside of her instead of doing it the old fashion way. The giant head was getting frustrated that the people that he created weren't giving him the recognition that he craved so dearly. And alas! His son was born to spread the word of his father's greatness.

Turns out that while the giant head and the virgin were making magic happen, the baby absorbed a little of that magic as well. He came shooting out into the world surrounded by barnyard animals and the local homeless men, whom showered him with the spices from their dinner the night before. Things didn't turn out the way the giant head had planned with this child however.

He didn't know at the time that all teenagers hate their parents so no bragging of his achievements would be done. So he chillaxed up in space watching his virgin baby momma for a few years until one miraculous day. Giant Head Jr finally got his Hogwarts letter! He was finally a wizard! His powers you might ask? Reanimating his own corpse, getting people wasted off the ocean, and a love for crafting and being crafted to wood. He used these fancy powers, once he was all grown and mature, to tell stories of his father's greatness. The population had no problems believing his stories with their childlike incest brains, and the worlds first cult was born.

Now that Giant Head Jr was the cool kid in school he started inviting people over for fancy dinner parties. His parties were the bomb and we've heard particularly good things about his last dinner. However, Giant Head Jr forgot to invite the goth kids to his parties and they weren't very happy about it. They voiced their concerns with him and requested him to come hang out and talk about it some more. Little did he know they meant it literally.

When he showed up they bolted him to some wood like an ornament on a Christmas tree. The goth kids were pretty gangster and tortured him and shit til he eventually died. But the goth kids forgot one thing. One of Giant Head Jr's magical powers was that he is a zombie! Guy can't die forever yo!

After the whole death thing he needed to do some soul searching so he ventured off into the desert to embark on a very strict diet and journey. Well anyways it's been like 2000 years and some other stuff happened and what not, but still to this day billions of people gather in buildings across the world once a week to talk about how much they can't wait for him to finally come home. The End.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Some Satire for you.

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