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Christmas Pain
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Added in 2011 Its Christmas and I still hate you
There’s a piece of me that still hides
In the silence of my ugly truth
I’m broken but here still I stand
I know your little mysteries,
Those lies that give you the upper hand,
You’re fake but yet I yearn for you
To touch and feel and then let go
It’s the letting go that’s overdue
This charade exposes my flesh
The holes within my soul un-kept
You took it all now nothings left
Thank you for destroying my life,
For taking everything in death
For a chance to extinguish my light
You’re a selfish bastard you know
I hope your pleasures made you whole
For the rest of us, we’ll never know.
I am not sure if this was
I am not sure if this was your intent or not, but this poem confused me, itwas like I wasn't sure what to feel, hate, sorrow, love, anger, regret, it just messed with my emotional spectrum!
which I kinda enjoyed :)
Much Love
Ashley
Thank you
Ashley,
I find a kind of sick pleasure in being confusing. I think that when I read others poetry as well, I like the hidden meanings, the way that when you read it again it says something else to you.
This poem in particular is very confusing, the feelings that went into it were very diverse and came from a confused heart. I will tell you a secret, the person this is about is alive and breathing but in a way dead. The entire poem is full of mysteries that can be interpreted many ways. I hope that however it speaks to any reader is enjoyable :)
Thanks again for visiting and commenting on my work :)
~Ramina
:)
well then my dear, you suceeded in getting the emotions across!
which is what I think any poet wants really, to capture a feeling in words.
I am glad that they are alive, however I understand what you mean by them being dead at the same time, there are too many emotional zombies these days
I hope these feelings become less confusing for you in the futrure
thanks again for the share
Much Love
Ashley
maybe it's not dead?
Maybe this part that is 'dead' in this guy is really just somebody putting up a barrier to block that access from you (possibly even for only a limited time, often depending on your mutual actions)..probably to prevent from being hurt again? With that said, that spark could be refired if given the proper attention in my opinion for some men..the healing's extremely difficult but I think it's possible in the right circumstances. The only way to know is good, trustworthy communication.. all the other assumptions regarding love may only be speculation (or maybe your mindset's absolutely warranted, I do not know your situation wholly and won't pretend to)
The questions are...is that what you really want to find out, one way or another?? And do you really care to know anymore either way? At the end of the day you have to protect what is sacred in your heart and mind..and you need to cling to the people who share that sacred spirit, everyday, no questions asked.
To me, judging an honest discourse with somebody is as simple as asking myself, 'Can I believe to myself, *for* myself, that this person has the compassion to be mindful of me?' (NOT the authority to dictate me, or change me unwillingly..just enough to show they care and respect me)
If the answer's currently no, then pick up your chips and leave the table...because your (and their) time is more valuable to somebody else.
Always really enjoy reading your work. I understand where this is coming from ...from an alternate viewpoint ..and you do a great job of just painting an honest picture of your perspective without censoring the parts you wouldn't want anyone else to see. It's always the best to read/view fearless art.
repeat!
(or maybe your mindset's absolutely warranted, I do not know your situation wholly and won't pretend to)
...uh yea, absolutely warranted. Safe to admit I was way off on that one ....i'm glad you have the strength to share that :) I look forward to reading more in the future
Hey there.. yea.. life throws
Hey there.. yea.. life throws you curve balls and you gotta just take em in stride and try and make a home run. Turn it into something beautiful and worthwhile which is what I have tried to do. My pain has made me who I am and I like me. Which in past days was much harder to say. Life is funny though.. in a not very funny kinda way. Time heals they say.. 18 years and counting.. still waiting.. and he throws another punch.. maybe I will just learn to walk away.. until then I am not sure why I care so much. I am sure there will be more words written here as I take my path to healing. Thanks for stopping in again my friend :)
Thank you for your comment, I
Thank you for your comment,
I am about to tell you something that shocked even me when the realization hit me. This is not about romantic love. The yearning to touch and feel are not of a sexual form.. but a tangible form. I wrote this in my anger to my father. I have not seen him in years and have not actually touched his tangible being since I was 23. He has been locked up since I was 12 and I thought we hashed out our differences when I made him realize that even if he doesn't remember the terrible realities of what his decisions did to his children we still had to live it. Recently he told my sister that her memories were wrong.. in more words than those but in saying what he said he made me realize that the words he said to repair our relationship were also just sugar coating. A man that cannot remember his ill will because of an intoxication state of mind is not one that can feel remorse for his wrong doings. Nor can he truely ask forgiveness for that which he does not truely believe he has done. The father that I made in my head is dead.. the one that I remember before the drugs, the woman and the booze. He is dead. This one, that is to be released in April.. is a man I do not know. I am having some serious issues with this situation and I am sure I will write about it over and over again.. He chose to die to us.
When I began this poem I began unknowing what it was about. I was hurting and as I know you know all to well the words just flow. In the beginning when the words came out I thought it was of my current love..hate relationship. As I got further into it I realized that the real root was of my own father.. a man that I thought was my hero.. but turned and abandoned us. This poem is a twisted display of what is going on in my mind. Maybe it is a mix of the two men that mean the most to me that seem to find a way to destroy my sanity. I am not sure yet but either way.. its getting out and I will heal.
Hugs~M
This comment has been deleted.
ok
you are just awesome, truly an amazing human being and your father doesn't know what he is missing by not being a happy, healthy part of your life
Much Love
Ashley
Ashley, Thank you for your
Ashley,
Thank you for your kind words. I hope that before he dies he can accept what has really happened and have a true relationship with his children.
I am glad you found beauty in this confusion :) Thats the most wonderful thing about poetry. It makes the most tragic of realities beautiful.
as always,
~Mina
Wow in awe of you! your
Wow in awe of you! your strength is admirable pour out the oceans of ill logic and fill the void with holy water. You are especially kind to still want affirmation from your father and the other, yet you affirm yourself so well in these lines. Healing thankfully is a choice and simple to make if we just chose. Chose whats best for us. Hugs SS.
Don't let any one shake your dream stars from your eyes, lest your soul Come away with them! -SS
"Well, it's love, but not as we know it."
:"> I really appreciate your
:"> I really appreciate your words. I wanted to point out how much I enjoy your response. The wording makes me smile. "pour out the oceans of ill logic and fill the void with holy water" I just love this sentence! For me its not me trying to be rightous or a good person. For some reason when it comes to family I just haven't made it to the point when I want to let it go. I have always wanted to feel that if my father could be sober he could be the man that I would be proud to have my children call their grandpa. But I am not. I think a huge issue in my own life I need to deal with is my desire to have family. I have never really had family and the relationship I am in now neither of us really have family so our two little ones don't have relatives, we don't have family gatherings, support systems or any kind of family dynamics outside of the four of us and it just breaks my heart. I want to give them what I never had. In my desire to have a family I cling to a hope that I guess I am finally realizing may be in vain. I do hope not, I do love my parents regardless of their short comings. I used to think my dad was a hero, until I realized (in my twenties) that most of my grief was caused by his absence in the house in which he lived. Oh, well.. I have went and said to much again. Oh well. Thanks for your insight, words and kindness :)
As always,
~Mina
Yes holy as in the holy
Yes holy as in the holy comforter, who brings peace, I have two families I value just the same as one. They are my friends and my network we have barbecues together and spend holidays together our kids call each other uncles and aunties. Blood is thicker than water but wine is a delicate mixture of both. I hope you extend your family, mine started with an invitation to a cousin and a friend. :) my dogs are also my family, and the cat, does this make it less valid? ;) lol! Life is such an amazing journey, every now and then you turn a corner and peek back and are amazed at where we've been and where we're going to. Hugs SS.
Don't let any one shake your dream stars from your eyes, lest your soul Come away with them! -SS
"Well, it's love, but not as we know it."
Well yes lol I have an
Well yes lol I have an amazing extended family. Utmost are to busy to play the grandma..grandpa..autie..uncle.cousin ext. Role. :)I thanks again!