Free of Fear

Literary Passages

"The words are strong, The words are powerful. A clear head would only bring back the demons and suicide, seducing me in a dark cathedral"

I am surprised I am still alive, for 13 years I've spoke that to myself, amazed even now through all the shit I've been through and had to deal with it's a miracle I am still breathing and an even far more shocked not behind bars. I have spoken very little on my fears, the things that go bump in the night as it were. That is mainly due to the fact I have so few fears, I have come to learn expect the worst so that if the worst were to happen you were prepared for it and it not than you get an good break. Life is not cherries and cotton candy, Everyone hurts and suffers it's part of life.

It is not the fact I am afraid of prison in general it's the notion, the idea of being tossed behind those bars, forgotten by society, friends and family. Alone in a stone wilderness where true Survival matters. It's the loss of your freedom, even a year taken from you. Your mind can make it seem as though it were an eternity. Yes there are some who deserve such a punishment, Murderers, Rapists. Violent Criminals, Not the dad who smokes pot working two jobs just to put a meal on the table for his wife and son. I once read somewhere that it was Prisons that turn decent law bidding citizens into cold hearted criminals. I am not to sure that is the case but I'm even more positive the surroundings his environment does not help in the least.

the only real crime I commit, and its not even a crime within my eyes is smoking this herb, this plant, a weed that grows. Even now proof being found within the dead sea scrolls that Jesus Christ himself used and used to help treat his followers, The first true hippie to walk the earth. another little tidbit of information left from the bible by a mortal man. For me to lose my freedom over something more natural than most foods and drinks we consume today would be a slap in my face against my civil rights even my down right privilege of being born into this world, taking away my individuality telling me what I can and cannot do with or to my own body.

I sometimes wonder if the drugs and this herb is worth the risk, then I am quickly reminded just how fucked up our world and the people in it are. Marijuana should be the one 'drug' mandatory for the sheep of Society, It clearly has medical value no matter what the ass kissing FDA would have you believe, In its run through our society it has killed no one that weights against all other pharmaceutical drugs in the world. Many with diverse and often fatal side effects, yet the only side effect of Marijuana is the dire need to chow down on some junk food, to me that is far better than sitting on the toilet screaming 'WHY GOD WHY' as you feel your lower intestines move and shift.

Our Government keeps stealing peoples lives and the content sheep simply turn their heads as it does not effect them, it does not involve them, hiding quietly in their closet toking on a joint as their kids run screaming and hollering past her room down the hall playing. The same ones who sneak out back sitting in the nice warm sun under the pine tree puffing down after listening to his boss yell at him and his coworkers for hours and hours for being to slow, or not doing it exactly right. These are the Criminals our government talks about.

It has always baffled my mind for years, why a plant that has killed no one, is the illegal one yet they push dangerous pills down your gullet with side effects sometimes far worse than the symptoms you had to begin with. Marijuana has done more for my depression than any pill any doctor has ever given me, That with the guidance of a beautiful woman and the love there of, Helped me climb out from my pit of despair, to a beautiful world thats filled with violence, disgust, and hate. No longer am I bitter towards Society but rather content with its flaws and idealistic ways.

My mind has started to numb, my fingers slow and delayed. The drugs have taken hold and for another night I shall be at a stagnate peace. A temporary solution to a life long problem, If I saw a doctor I would be chewing pills left and right. A colorful Zoloft experience, as if watching my life portrayed on the TV, a real time grotesque reality show. I could not handle being on anti depressants again, I think I would actually pull that trigger if I had to go through that era of my life again.

Maybe one day Texas will pass a medical Marijuana bill, a program I would go and sign up for, however by the time that happens I may be long gone.

"Take my life, take my freedom

but you will never force me into submission"

The depths of the human soul

can leave you extremely cold

depraved desires, morbid acts

twisted thoughts, it all comes back

Locked away and suppressed

my mind starts to regress

to easy to become depressed

"Suicide lies behind this door

leaving me comatosed on the floor

drug induced, wishing for more

drowning out these tormenting voices of pain

its far better than pulling the trigger, exploding my brain"

The winds have turned foul

don't abandon me now

in my darkest hour, I'm desperate to cower

hiding from the misery, content with a dark fury

I will be dead before your eyes

my funeral, my eulogy will be nothing but lies

A horrible secret I harbor

an open casket with a bloody barber

When I am gone, when I am dead

all my secrets will be said

and my divine goddess, I shall take to bed

on my knees, the only words I'll pray

'oh lord, give me peace and take me this day'

words I've not spoken in years

for when it's my time, I hold no fears

"Suicide resides behind this door

yet still comatosed on the floor

drug induced, writing makes me a mental whore

a numbing mind sore

thoughts that could drive me to depression

A twisted image already an obsession"

I've said all this before

I don't know how I can say it anymore

spun with a different verse

different speech, same curse

take flight, and go with the birds

for these are just worn out words

Everything has already been said

but I'm trapped, this purgatory that is my head

"Death will come for us all

how will you handle the call?

will you fight for your last breath?

or will you give up, and wait for death?"

Author's Notes/Comments: 

a little on my views of the Marijuana laws and the like

View matthewwayne's Full Portfolio
Elfy's picture

Wow! Omg that was really

Wow! Omg that was really loud, I heard you very clearly lol. I understand better then I did, after reading this, on how you feel about the topic,and why. I agree after reading this, it opened my eyes, to what it does, and how it can help others who chose to smoke. It is a sort of stress reliever to many that I know, and it should be their right to after work, or a bad day, to go smoke. It's not like they are robbing a bank, or harming someone. They are just needing a few mins to relax before going and doing what ever else they must do before the end of the day. Some people work non stop to pay for food and a roof over there family's heads, to support and care for there children, to only come home at 12:00pm to kiss their child on the head and watching them sleep for a few moments, before going to bed themselves, to kiss their wife, who spends all day, caring for their child, while he works to better their lives. What . A good husband, will do for his family. He deserves a break, a form a relax and calmness. He needs it, it's better then him come home, and drink till he has no soul left, till his heart drowns in the liquor and money he pissed away after work, that was ment for the bills, and then go home to yell and cursed out his wife,and make his child Croat night,cause he is stressed or angery. They shouldn't be able to deside what a man does after the shity day he went through, or what he wants to put in his body. If you don't what to put it in your own, then it is your choice not to! No one is forcing it in you. Anyway, enough of my rant, know that I now understand more clearly and agree on your stance. Very loud words you have hon. :)


MatthewWayne's picture

Again thank you, your words

Again thank you, your words are too kind and yes Freedom is a profound message for anyone. The basicly of all rights is the ownership of ones own body, their temple. To chose what they will ingest or go where they will within their minds is a fundamential right of being free. Cannabis scientifically have been proven time after time as a safer non toxic way to medicate many diseases and illnesses we have, and its still illegal. So I pratice civil disobedence ;)

"I am my own sort of strange, a supernova of madness and brillance. Forced to share the same space and time. Sane enough to not be seen, yet not crazy enough to be heard." -- Matthew Wayne