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All the Best Poets Sit in the Smoking Section:26
INT – JOHN’S FORD FIESTA – NIGHT
JOHN is driving JEFF to Pancake Hut. ‘Back in 1999’ by John Oszajca is playing on the car stereo, but otherwise there’s just ten awkward seconds of silence.
JOHN
I might have to pay you back next week.
JEFF ignores JOHN’S comment.
JEFF
What do you think of Evette?
JOHN
Her name was Cheyanne …actually Ann, but I’m not supposed to tell anyone.
JEFF
No, not the stripper. Evette— the waitress at Pancake Hut.
JOHN
Oh, the one who looks like Theresa?
JEFF
Yeah. I think she might actually be interested in my poetry.
JOHN
I doubt it! You might have had a drink tonight, but you’re no Bartkowski.
JEFF
Who?
JOHN
You know, that Mickey Rourke movie—what was it called?
JEFF
Barfly?
JOHN
Yeah, Bar-kowski. That drunk poet who was always getting into fights, shacking up with whores and writing about the race track.
JEFF
It’s Boo-kowski. Charles Bukowski.
JOHN
Yeah, him. You are nothing like that, Jeff! You drink Cokes with no ice!
JEFF
Well tonight I didn’t! I had a goddamn bloody colada! Besides I’m a lot better looking than he was. Bukowski’s face looked like welder’s bench.
JOHN
Yeah, but I bet you his cock gets a whole lot more work than yours! See Jeff, that’s my point. You can write poetry until you’re blue in the face, but unless you experience some real pussy once in awhile you’ll always be just a Bartowski wannabee.
JEFF
(annoyed)
Bukowski! Boo-kowski wannabee!
JOHN
Whatever. He probably is fucking some poetry-loving whore as we speak!
JEFF (V.O.)
Should I even try to defend Buk’s honor?
JEFF (CONT’D)
John, he’s been dead for six years! Besides, I read where he went eight whole years without getting any.
JOHN
What, from like zero to eight years old?
JEFF
No, actually it was when he was in his forties or fifties or something.
JOHN
Yeah right, you’re full of shit!
JEFF
No, and he was in his early twenties when he finally got laid.
JEFF (V.O.)(CONT’D)
Why the hell I know so much about Charles Bukowski’s sex life is beyond me.
JOHN
Well even if you are right, he still beat you by ten years!
JEFF
Fuck you John!
EXT – CITY STREETS - NIGHT
JOHN’S Ford Fiesta drives on in silence.
‘Bisexual Chick’ has started playing on the car stereo.
JEFF (V.O.)
John ignores me when he gets angry. Perhaps this is some sort of cosmic safety mechanism designed to prolong our friendship.
JOHN and JEFF pull into Pancake Hut
INT – FORD FIESTA - NIGHT
JOHN pulls the car to a stop then finally speaks:
JOHN
Was he related to that Falcons quarterback Steve Bartkowski?
