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All the Best Poets Sit in the Smoking Section:13
INT – DR. ROBERT MC MILLAN’S OFFICE - DAY
TITLE: The office of DR. ROBERT McMILLAN. Wednesday, August 9, 2000. 10:04am
JULIE reclines on the couch of her psychoanalyst, DR. ROBERT MC MILLAN, confessing her version of all of Jeff’s problems.
JULIE
Well I’m not half as manic as Jeff’s last girlfriend! In fact, that’s why he broke up with her.
DR. ROBERT MC MILLAN sits behind a desk and takes out his notebook and pulls a pen from the drawer.
JULIE springs upright.
JULIE (CONT’D)
You know he never even had sex with her?
DR. ROBERT MC MILLAN
Really?
JULIE
Well, I was his first.
DR. ROBERT MC MILLAN
His first?
JULIE
Yeah, he sort of lost his virginity to me.
DR. ROBERT MC MILLAN
He's how old?
JULIE
Thirty-Four.
DR. ROBERT MC MILLAN
When did this happen?
JULIE
On his birthday, March 21st.
DR. ROBERT MC MILLAN
You mean just last March?
JULIE
Yeah, for the last four months he kept reminding me of ‘our anniversary’ on the twenty-first of every month.
DR. ROBERT MC MILLAN
Hmm, so he was a virgin until his thirty-fourth birthday?
JULIE
Yeah, he said he didn’t want to have sex until he knew it was with the right girl. I guess that on his birthday I became the right girl! I wish he’d have reminded me that beforehand because we had such a great sex life up until then. Well see, he just wasn’t into it at all.
DR. ROBERT MC MILLAN
Ok, go on…
JULIE
Okay, we had great sex until we actually had sex. He was incredible at, ya know, all the foreplay stuff …going down on me. But after we had, ya know, real sex, he stopped.
DR. ROBERT MC MILLAN
He stopped with the foreplay?
JULIE
He stopped with everything! It never really worked very well if you know what I mean.
DR. ROBERT MC MILLAN
Premature ejaculation?
JULIE
No. He never did that at all.
DR. ROBERT MC MILLAN
E.D.?
JULIE
What’s that?
JEFF (V.O.)
Julie was never good at abbreviations either.
DR. ROBERT MC MILLAN
It’s short…short for erectile dysfunction.
JULIE
Yeah, that’s it. I think he was too short. He never came either.
DR. ROBERT MC MILLAN
So he never ejaculated during intercourse?
JULIE
Since he was a virgin for so long I don’t think he knew how to.
DR. ROBERT MC MILLAN tries hard to hold back a giggle.
DR. ROBERT MC MILLAN
My guess is he knew how to.
JULIE
No, as a matter of fact, after only about three minutes he’d just roll over, too exhausted to finish.
DR. ROBERT MC MILLAN
Well that is not your fault, ya know.
JULIE’S mood begins lifting.
JULIE
Mmm, but Phil, Phil finishes.
