pain is a tool

I must make myself believe this

though its the hardest of all emotions

to mine

of course but in disguise

the rarest jewel

no matter how inconceivable it may seem

to conceive this

there is much to learn from one's

deeply personal inner pain

as little if any true joy in the moment

now is there to be attained

such inescapable misery

over fragile bonds now so cleanly broken

cries fiercest

the first of my many bitter tears

no other's advice nor opinion can relieve

this living grief of its necessary reign

as tidal waves of fought back depression

pound my over laden mind with their

incessantly cruel jeers

I was an out classed fool to momentarily

believe that I could mean so much to a man

so cultured, mature and easternly urbane

why, even now it quite amazes me to know that

I will likely never hear, use, read nor say

ever again his oddly precious foreign name

but oh how I can miss so greatly what was

never fully mine

and pray for the infinite wisdom of the Father

for my battered heart to be someday returned

to me

far closer to fine.....................

(Sept. 25, 1997)

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