why, hello unremarkably remarkable one

and how are you today

still breathing are we

ah lovely!

has all that heavy make up that you insist

on wearing got you down

or is it just that your cologne got rubbed

the wrong way

oh, and where is that Big Diamond Ring that

you so often like to strap across your left


the one you could pawn to buy say a small

country with perhaps

has those antidepressants you've been taking

made you glum

just where is Freud when you really need him

I ask

probably out playing golf somewhere with the

likes of Bob Hope or John Davidson no less

so tell me, how's your mother or was it your


well, anyway you know the one I mean

the one who's at Death's Door with terminal

rectal cancer

has she gotten any better

oh! she's dead


not to change the subject but isn't she also

the one I said once reminded me of Shirley Winters

in the movie 'The Poseidon Adventure'

you know that one scene where she has to swim

under water?

oh, the leukemia oops I mean cancer slimmed her

down in the end

you don't say!

well, that's good

at least we know she didn't die from obesity

that must have been a weight off your sagging


I mean don't you think?

oh, forgive me! I do apologize

I completely forgot about that condition

you said you have with your minor neurological


anyway, I suppose I had better get back to my


before my dinner companion has a cat

so, Ta Ta!

oh, and don't worry

even the teeniest little bit dear

that I'll tear you to shreds in one of my

next 'pathetic little poems'

as you like to call them

won't happen..........................

(Sept. 10, 1994)

Author's Notes/Comments: 

got this idea from watching some made for Television move about Hedda Hopper and some other lady who was her rival for writing about Hollywood in say the 1930s and 1940s was funny how the people would speak so horribly but in such a pleasant sounding voice to each other. A scene like that at some restaurant in the movie or maybe it was the one about Rock Hudson where I saw such ladies anyway that scene gave me the idea for this piece only at the end instead of my column I wrote my poem as I found it befitting.

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