with 'Hearty Family Doom'

they slowly ascend upon us all

the vulture side of the relatives that is

Hubert, with is incessant clogged nasal passages

then there are his sub human children

Hell Louise , also popularly known as 'the snitch'

"Mother, M.J. was smoking a nasty old cigarette

out by the garage!" still to this day rings out

in my mind

Virgil, the incurable whiner

Clorox wouldn't even work on this portly boy!

and clone to Hubert of course

Malcolm, the king of the snot nosed brainless


a.k.a-The Sniveler!

he sounds about as real as one of those

fictitious bad guy characters on the 60's

television show Bat Man

but trust me Malcolm the sniveler is all

too real

but he'd fit right in with those losers


he does need after all a good "POW"


the kid looks like Ralf Cramden right out

of 'The Honey Mooners'

which in turn describes uncle Hubert to a T.

(every pun intended!)

then there is , Dare I actually say her name

out loud?

I suppose something valuable will fall from

the mantle upon me and break here in the house

if I do

but here goes nothing


there I said it

let me be more specific

Velda , that venomous klutz from Cleveland

God's form of own personal pay back to our


no joke there

you know how everyone bad mouths Cleveland

for how dirty it is

well, Cleveland has nothing on Velda

this woman could out do an elephant in a china


the whole family eats off paper plates and drinks

from Dixie cups every time these Volvo driving

vultures descend upon us

we still swear the she and Hubert simultaneously

black mailed each other into getting married


I mean, after all it does make sense

some would think upon first peak

(you wouldn't want to take a real long and

good look for fear that you would turn to stone

Medusa herself would shriek 'Hags!')

they were made for each other

like Archie and Edith Bunker

but really they both deserve better

like say he a biker chick and she a nice

honest but fat used car salesman that is

I shouldn't really complain I suppose because

they do supply me with pretty good writing


so, I guess I'll be nice and stop pounding

on them for now

but only until some new degrading angle on them

comes to mind

like last Christmas for example

when we found Malcolm stringing up his

hamster's turds on string like pop corn

to put up on the Christmas Tree

the look on old klutzy Velda's snooty face

when she realized just what it was that

Malcolm, clone to Hubert was stringing up

that instant of true realization was without

a doubt absolutely priceless

the best Christmas present for all of us

that year in fact

oh well, that story in full will just have to

wait until another time.............

(July 10, 1994 pm)

Author's Notes/Comments: 

a composite of several stories friends told me about eccentric relatives they had over the years.

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