the answer

she looms up ahead before me


upon the not so now distant horizon

she calls to me

in such sweet dulcet tones

I am transfixed by her unwavering appeal

but still her words are so very garbled

the seeds of happiness lay blithely within

the palm of her outstretched hand

as if beckoning to me themselves with their

own undeniable beauty

I am afraid I can not ignore their beseeching

call to me for very much longer

but oh if only I could make out the exact

angles and distinctive smooth plains of their

incredible offering

then I would hopefully know them when they are

planted in my future

I am set adrift so sadly upon a much too

choppy sea of unavoidable confusion

if I could just get my tiny compass to work

for me properly but that does not seem to be

in the plan just as of yet

I find that I am caught between what I have

long now so desired

verses just what it is that I already have

magic verses stability!

storm clouds of dire discontent rain black

torrents of havoc in my mind

and I am a slave to their unforgivable wrath

my heart to myself as of late has not been all

too very kind

these formidable festering feelings are

so extremely personal that I can barely bring

them to the so revealing page

I know what it is that I must bring myself to


but the 'Actually Doing It' part

is going to be so very hard and it will indeed

truly hurt not only me

but a dear man who does not deserve any

unscrupulous treatment

but first

I must ask myself the hard question

which above all else is worse

this unattractive sinking feeling

of limbo I've been living in for months

that grows more precarious with each day's


or the expected bouts of pain and doubt

that come from separation with an accompanying

need for dissolvement of an otherwise

unworkable now union

where the emboldened mind fights

the tired body holds firm

so from whatever actions I choose to take

allow me one gift

that from them

as well as my many mistakes

I will learn

thats the best

in a bad situation

that anyone could ever hope to achieve

I should think.................

(March 30, 1998)

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