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I long

there for I am

that is my proof

the bubble has burst

the silly dream is quite dead

yet I live

and oh, how I live

I live among these visions in my head

just as

I feel my aching silly putty heart beating

I can over come this

this whatever it is

I see the reasons

behind the actions taken

and I am grateful

for the for thoughtfulness of the man

in question

but I feel broken inside

so very broken

as if some even yet known bridge to the

future has been washed away

before I have even stepped foot upon the soil

of the country in which it was built

but what else could be done

I am amazed at such a selfless showing of love

so very much love

for me

just like I dreamed

and yet not quite

it was all for me

I can see that

even through my tears

measures taken for

but the sole want of my happiness' protection

at the expense of an others

will another for me

ever care so much

I suppose

but I don't want another

I can't think about that now

how do I let spill

this bone deep shuttering ache

that vibrates through out my heart

without having it only further

contaminate the beautiful bearer of such

tragic love's news

did I somehow ask for this unknowingly

God, I swear I can almost feel you rooting

for me to just bear up

as this incredibly intimate love of ours

is not lost

it is never lost

just temporarily misplaced

we hurt

yes

for the moment's separation

but in the broader scope

remember

we will be together for every moment

there after this

such sure feeling

frees my sadness a little

somehow

through it all my faith in the future

and whats still to come

holds my trembling hand

though its just a bit steadier now

as God indeed gave it to me

what I asked him for repeatedly

over the years

he revealed you to me

just as I pleaded

but there was never any discussion of my

ever being able to have you

and its that small loophole that makes me

want to fall to the floor with my knees

drawn up to my heaving chest and cry

for witnessing a brief taste of heaven

only to lose it to the clutches of vague

human circumstance

though, I'm screaming inside

still, to this unspoiled love eternal

I shall abide

as through this wave of pain

enlightenment too will ride

as God's eyes see all

including

that of which there is

no end to us............

(Oct. 23,1999)