where does the real me reside

in this too fat body

in this too lonely place

in this much too confused mind

or in this unhappy soul

so very lost

within its own private pain and grief

why do I long for what I cannot have

the small foothold I once had to help

me to hold on to this mediocre life

is gone

long gone from me now

and quite doubtful am I that it shall

ever be returned to me

my eyes are cast now

in another's light

another's hope

another's heart

and oh how I wish

for such impossible things

things I have no business

wishing for

but emotions are the

freight trains of one's life

such nearly unstoppable beings

in their own right

I've stumbled upon what I

thought I'd never find


I know thy now by your given name

or has my foolish imagination merely

led me astray

it would kill me by inches if i were

to discover I am sorely mistaken

surely I can not be

not to this vile degree of wrenching

am I quite alone in this enthralling

feeling of such necessary felt connection

surely this can't be a fettered dilemma

of my sole miserable making

please do not let it be so

would my neglected hungry heart deliberately

do this to itself

torture my soul so unmercifully so

I know what it is that I must do

I just hope all the pain I'm about to endure

teaches me what I so desperately must need

to learn

humility barters a steep price

I just pray that God allows me an option

to shoot for the most beautiful idea of love

and how its supposed to be that I've ever


the lonely needful call of my uniquely clever

and courageous cave dweller cries for my


keep your heart warm, safe and secure for

me dearest shy one

as I all too soon shall return to my rightful


by your once so weary yet all the more

precious side................

(March 21, 1998)

Author's Notes/Comments: 

feeling very confused and discontent with myself....

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