Will it be tonight?

2009 Poems

Wish I knew what was wrong with me,

How I can go for weeks feeling like life is fine,

Yet it only takes one night to knock me down.

One blow to the mind.

Back on the floor,

Picking up the pieces,

They never quite fit together right.

Here I am once more,

Standing out in the rain,

Waiting for the sun to shine down on me.

Waiting patiently on the shore,

The sand beneath my feet,

Looking out over the gray waves,

For mornings first light.

Wish the clouds would leave over my head,

Push away the lightning and rain.

Always searching,

Always yearning for that one person.

My bitter dream,

That comes back night after night.

Dreams of what I’ve always wanted,

Dreams of perfection,

Forever a dream.

Floats slowly overhead,

The light smoke slowly fades away,

Another dream lost,

Only to be replaced when darkness comes again.

Thought I was doing so well.

Surviving each and every day,

Thought I could make it,

Yet my heart is yearning to give in to temptation,

When all I want to do is give into love.

Can't help myself,

Drown my sorrows in drinks and men,

Six months of regret.

I don't want to do that again.

Don't want to give in,

Don't wanna have to apologize to myself,

Don't want them laughing from the corner.

It’s a battle within my head,

Between myself, and I.

Fighting what I so desperately want,

And what I so desperately need.

Where is that one man who gets me?

Can tame my wild spirit,

Yet keep me alive.

I'm on the edge of a razor,

One slip to be in oblivion.

Walking with a noose around my neck,

And knife in my hands.

One more kick,

Falling to the ground,

Coughing up dust and blood.

Stuck swimming within my own blood stained walls,

Strikes before the fall.

Bloody knuckles,

Bruised soul,

Battered heart.

Yet I stand once more,

Feel the warm glow of the first rays of sunlight,

Find strength in the hope that this may be the day,

That I no longer need to dream.

It never happens,

But hope is the most powerful emotion we have.

And I can hope that this will be the day,

To erase my mistakes,

Calm my soul,

And make me whole.

Will today be the day?

Will he find me today?

Or am I destined to be questioning,

Wondering every night why I am this way.

Wondering if he even exists

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