A Taste of Despair

Personal Writings

For a while, I've been told that I should cheer up and think positively. Eventually, I got the hang of it earlier this summer. I began to think that I got everything handled by myself and that I'm very beautiful and charismatic. I began to think that I'm very good at what I do such as drawing, writing, working, flirting, etc. But everything fell apart one day. My confidence, ego, pride, and happiness were all broken. Looking at my old friends and classmates, I realize that they're doing so much more than me. They all have adoring friends and they're impacting the world more than I was. All I'm doing is just working and chilling, nothing else. Hell, I rarely go out to places anymore. And I always go alone. I have no fucking friends at all. Every day, I just talk to my dogs like a crazy fucking person. My life has gotten nowhere ever since I graduated. So why do I keep setting my goals so high when I'm not doing anything to achieve them? Looking at all of my works, I realize that I'm nothing but a nobody in this world. No one gives a flying damn about my novel. No one cares about my artwork. No one even reads my writings. And no one even bothers to listen to me singing. No matter how hard I try to be good, I stress and rip my hair out all for an empty audience. Looking at the world, I see all of these beautiful people walking around. They all have clear skin, thin bodies, white teeth, amazing hair, cool clothes, etc. I look like food that just came out of a microwave; basic and cheap and ugly. I'm fucking fat because I can't control my appetite. Look at all of my stretch marks from being a really fat kid. I still have small acne and acne scars all over my back and face. I don't have clear, smooth skin because I keep hurting myself. My hair is still ugly from dyeing it so much during junior year. Even with makeup on, I still look like those wannabe models. It's funny how I think that I'm such a babe and that I'm out of everyone's league and that I'm sexy, but I'm truly not. I'm the opposite. Looking at my own reflection in the bathroom destroyed my ego. It destroyed my mind. Now I'm reliving the days of wanting to starve and puke out food. I'm reliving the days of wanting to cut myself for being ugly. I'm reliving the days where I want to hide myself from everyone. I am nothing. I have destroyed my own happiness. And that's just only a small taste of despair.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Something really frustrating and emotional that I've been feeling for a long time now.

View misssaigon's Full Portfolio
KindredSpirit's picture

Heartfelt Write

"  The Naked City ".

Like it.