Happy For Once

My head is throbbing. This week has taken its toll on me. I have always felt alone but now more than ever. God has blessed me with people when I needed them. They saved me many times without knowing. In the times when I've had no one, God reached down and saved me as well. Even today, he gave me lyrics that lifted me up if for a moment. 


I feel attacked in a way I never wanted to be but it was inevitable. So here I stand with nothing left in this world for me and nothing left within me. I have been depleted in every way. I knew this day would come but I am not strong enough to face it. Not after everything I have faced up until this point. It is the last straw in a series of straws that have led me to my breaking point.


If no one wants me in their lives, then I don't want them either. I can be alone. I've been alone so much of my life. Why should it be different now? Maybe that's the lesson in here. Maybe God is teaching me that I need to be alone right now. Maybe I need to rebuild myself from the inside out. He wants to take everything away to give me a clean slate. Then God take it all away. Crush my heart if you have to. Break me if it helps. I'll do anything to take away these feelings. 


I want to be happy for once. Truly happy. And maybe I have relied on others for my happiness and that wasn't the right thing to do. Teach me to trust in you only. Guide me into your arms which is the only place where I can find comfort especially now. Give me strength to face today. Then give me the same strength to face tomorrow. One day at a time though. One step at a time. This is a process that will take a long time. But it can start now.

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