I hate myself sometimes. Actually most of the time. I hate the things I do. I hate the thoughts I have. Especially when it involves men. It's pathetic how much I crave male attention. I went on a business trip with a coworker and now I can't stop thinking about him. I'm restless; it keeps me awake at night. And I don't know why. I mean he has a lot of redeeming qualities but at the end of the day I know he's not right for me. But still I obsess because it's been so long and rare that a man pays attention to me. Even the way he looked at me sometimes. I swear I caught him staring at me several times. He touched my arm a few times. I don't know what it all means. But I know that I work with him, in the same department, next to each other so for that reason and many others it just won't work. It's made me self-reflect alot. I've just been thinking about all the men I've encountered in my life, the ones that stayed friends and the ones that became more. And I've realized that nothing has really changed in the last ten years. I can go months, sometimes years without male attention but once a man comes into my life whatever the circumstances, I pounce on him like a lioness. They are the be-all and end-all of my life. Then I wonder why in a short time they disappear. I fall into a deep depression when they leave and only a long period of time or another man can bring me out. I don't do it on purpose; it's a subconscious thing but there must be a reason I do it. I know I don't have the best relationship with my father but that's no excuse. I wish I could stop this endless cycle but I just don't see how.

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9inety's picture

I maybe wrong but, I think you are

a poet with all of your heart, listen we all need to feel appreciated and cared about... and the artist in you has an need that amplifies that desire

it is all part of the human condition, sometimes unresolved issues in our past can leave our expectations of feeling the need for attention in the future is a driven need ie., is anybody even reading my poems?, and the fear of not being appreciated can leave one feeling alone. anyway, I appreciate your poetry.



"One of the best results of life, is the torment of love"

Dylan Eliot