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Scared

I'm just so scared,

To even touch this thing called happiness;

Only to have it ripped away from me.

Maybe that's why,

Maybe that's why I push people away,

Maybe that's why I'm so guarded,

Maybe that's why my walls are so high,

And maybe it's a lot of things, most of them I rather not speak of,

But I don't think....

That I can even touch it,

Especially without love

Mostly considering that these things are a foreign disease.

And I don't know how to love, not at all.

I shut everything down a long time ago.

It was the best thing.

No feelings, just being numb.

But now....

Things that I thought I would never have to worry about....

.........

I am.

I am worried.

I am scared.

Of things like happiness and love and thinking about the future.

Because before they were nothing,

........

But now I can feel it and I can see it.

But maybe, just maybe,

The thing, or should I say whom,

I'm scared the most of is you

Because you and only you,

For some reason have given me this terrible and awful curse.

And no matter how hard I try to go back,

Back to the things and the ways I know,

Go back to how things once were, 

When everything was black and white,

And everything was numb,

The truth of the matter is,

I can't.

To some this would be a blessing,

But to me,

This is a curse that I wish could be undone,

I wish it would leave, 

For it has made me weak,

But unfortunately it will never, for it is bond to me.