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O Father, My Father
When something verges on hatred it's easier to deal with.
You yell, scream, let it all out,
And eventually you're done with it.
You move on.
But when you're caught in between,
When you know you have no reason to leave or complain but deep down, you're still hurting,
It's different.
It's different to put to words what that feeling is.
After all, what argument can you have against a person who brought you up?
A father who held your hand as you crossed the roads.
A father who went the wrong way up an escalator to get you down because you were scared.
A father who introduced you to the world you love through which you carved your own way and made a beautiful little cottage and now enjoy life as you know it.
What can you say to a father who gave you life, whom you love, but can never see eye to eye with?
What can you do when you're already made and he wants you to change?
(Like forcing a graphite to become a diamond)
What can you make of it when he sees the scars on your hands and dismisses it as 'adolescent foolery'?
It's horrible, this thing that latches on inside you and feeds off your loneliness and discomfort.
You grow apart from the man you used to look up to and it hurts.
It's hurts us both and then there is anger.
Anger and resentment and sadness.
A never-ending sadness and discontent that makes them both ask themselves,
"Where did I go wrong?"
"Is this how it all happened?"
But he loves me.
Or he says he does.
He shows it, he showers me in gifts.
The way a dutiful worshiper does his job,
Not because he believes, but because it's expected of him from others.
You try to clear it up, be how he wants you to, just to see him take pride in you, to see that spark that says
"That's my girl, everyone."
Even a nod of the head in acknowledgement would suffice.
But you always fail.
You're never good enough, never smart enough.
Never can be the daughter he wants you to be.
Harsh words are exchanged again and you can do nothing but go to your room and cry,
Because, apparently, now you're "just a pretty face with a smile".
And all you ever seem to be doing now is cry.
Because the man you loved and looked up to is still the same man.
Yet he isn't.
