Decisions... Life is completely cursed with crimson colored deeds and decisions determined by pretentious parents and peers who deem it necessary to nag at anything that's non-negotiable in the eyes of those narcissistic people that think thoughtful thoughts of themselves, all alone... Do our decisions really matter? Do they orchestrate the path of our life? Is it all one journey? do we really get a say in what goes on, and if we don't... Then what the hell's the point of being here. Of even going along with this so-called "ride that is life"? Is that why no matter how hard I try, I fail, no matter how quiet I try to make myself, I fail, no matter how much I try to get out of the way... I fail... Why? Why, why, why... That's the question isn't it? Even if I got an answer, I'll still act like a terrible two's toddler that drives their parents mad, I'll still get in the way and abuse the help that I cry for and whine for knowing that the only reason that they return, is because they pity on me. Why don't they just drop me, let me go and be free of the bondage that is the grief, anxiety, and mucilaginous traits that make me so unbearable? Just leave me alone, I want to be alone, don't they get that, don't you get that? But the thing is... I want to be alone with someone. I don't know why, but it's warm by the fire, and I guess I'm just too afraid to jump in, that it'll just burn me, but is that really a bad thing... But then, I think, if I jump all the way in, will I burn, or would I drown? Because who knows, I decided to do this to myself, and my decisions decided to do this to me, and I don't even know how it makes me feel... Maybe I like the way it feels, you know, the burn, the adrenaline rush that you get when you gasp for air when you rush towards the surface, wondering if you're going to make it or not... And I wonder if I ever will? And I wonder if it will be my decision? And I wonder why these damned decisions seem so important to me? Please... Help me understand, that's all that I ask, and it's all up to you. It's your decision, so hurry up and decide, time's almost up, quick, decide, the longer you take, the longer it hurts, so hurry up, and make up your mind, because I can't do it for you, what's taking you so long? Say something, please... Whelp, it's too late, it looks like no one cares to speak up, like I'm surprised by that, and while you took all of that time to think about how others will think of you, while you took all of that time to worry about your own profile and how you would look speaking out, I did it, I ended my problems... I ended my life, so if you had something to say, anything at all, it's too late, I already did it, the deed is indeed done, dead, I'm

sleeping alone in a bed of dirt, because you were afraid of opening your mouth while I was closing my book... You're a monster, and I love you, because that's what I'm supposed to do, love unconditionally, with my still, non-beating heart.

Thank you, and God bless

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Lengthy, older

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