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The Way Pasts Always Haunt You
Watch the sand sift through my fingers
Just like everything I've let get away
Knowing that I'm the only one to blame for being here
Even when hoping that it really isn't my fault....
I let freedom get away
Because this house feels like a cage sometimes
I let my friends get away
Or maybe I pushed them...
I let the sand get away from my feet
Because suddenly I'm falling
So fast towards it
Yet farther and farther away
From ever touching ground again
I already know that it's my fault I'm here
So when someone decides to remind me
It's only natural to not want to hear
All about the way they see it
And not want to roll up their words into a ball of guilt
That drops into the pit of my stomach
Because I've heard this all before
But I'm not going back to the room with so many doors
Doors that have false signs on them
So that I never know what you're gonna get
Even after people ask me what I want
And tell me I'll get it if that's what I want
Tell me that it's all up to me
Even after they painted all of the signs
And someone mixed them up
Now they tell me I pick one door
And get what's on the other side
I don't want to hear
How something from years ago,
That I was supposed to choose for ME,
Affects someone else
And how difficult it makes THEIR "used-to-be-simple" lives
And about how I should have chosen different
To make everyone's lives easier
And that they know what I wanted
And they know I didn't choose it
But how could they know?
I don't remember if I knew what I wanted when I was 10
But I remember that I didn't want anyone to be mad
At me or at my little brother
For what we said we wanted.
I knew that he would stay on the fence
And I would try to, too
Even though my legs dangled over the edge
Of just one side
Trying to touch ground
Very quietly
Not letting anyone know
I don't want to know, I have never wanted to know
Even though I do,
Why it all started so long after it should have....
I know that greed started it
Or maybe I pretend to know
That greed started it.
I haven't decided yet
And still how people fight
Over things that are supposed to be set in stone
And how no one who was actually there wants to go back
Because all of the pinpricks
And court hearings
And lawyers who talk to me like a baby
Bled them dry
Of patience and money
People are still mad at me for what I said I wanted
Even when it wasn't what I wanted
People are stilll mad at me for what I want now
Even when it's my life
People are still mad at me
When it was them that wouldn't
Couldn't
Agree on anything
People are still mad at me
Because I cost so much money to do nothing
...
No one says it
But they're all mad at me
Because they were there
And my little vampire teeth bled them dry
Of their patience
And their money
And their love
Somehow my head has wrapped around
To bite my neck
Because I was there
And I am the only one I can blame
