The Current and Eternal Reason for My Depression and Subsequent Anxiety

by Jeph Johnson

 

The saddest thing in my world is that I must face depression alone and this causes anxiety.  So I try to reach out to care when I see someone else, especially someone who is depressed.  But when I do I invariably discover they are stricken with social anxiety and therefore not available for providing the sort of intimacy I equate with love and caring.


Causes of depression for me:  


-Realizing people who used to love and care about me no longer do (past).


-Feeling like no one currently loves or cares about me (present).


-Worrying that no one will love me or care again (future).


My anxiety always stems from external forces I have no control over.  If I have control over things I am not anxious.  


But even though the solution is so simple, it's not within my reach as it involves other people. My happiness has evolved in such a way that sharing laughter and joy and happiness and pleasure with others are what I value most.  


Yet somehow this makes me self-centered and undesirable.  


Because my intent is to please other people, when they are not receptive to it, it deepens my depression. 


I know people are going to say I have to take responsibility for my depression and not put the blame on others but if I do that I'm being disingenuous. It indeed is other people caring about and loving me and allowing me to care for and love them back that makes me happy.  

 
Author's Notes/Comments: 

2018

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Stephen's picture

You are OK in my book.

Stephen