One Man's Worth

I am nothing. I never considered myself part of this world because I made a very little impact on it. I am not worthy of occupying this space on earth. I'm not spectacular nor am I anything ordinary. I speak all the time as if to make myself feel superior to others, it shows in everything I say, write, and do. It haunts me every waking moment of my life. I don't know why I have to think so much, it drives me to the brink of insanity. It takes a huge toll on me and destroys everything I enjoy, because of it I don't have much fun in life. This is ridiculous; every moment I spend awake is a question of my own worth. Am I even worth these words? In my mind I know I'm not cut out for this world unless I do something because my life is starting to become a little bit more reckless, dangerous, and shortened. Everything my gut instinct tells me to do I ignore in some sort of self defiance. Sometimes I think I have no point and that I'm some joke God made, but I'm also atheist so that doesn't get me anywhere. I am not fit to love anyone because I have never loved anything about me. I am not worthy of praise because I'll feel just as empty as I did a minute ago before you complimented me. I shouldn't have any friends because I always feel alone, always. I'm quick to compliment, and am terrified only by deep seas and rejection. I never had anyone I really strived to aspire to so I found mini role models in everyone I know, because everyone else is amazing in their own individual ways and although some can be more loveable then others, all are just as fascinating. I always had this sort of cloud of mystery about me to keep people interested but that's because I never actually let anyone close to me. Then again how close can you really get to someone before they edge away, everyone needs to have some mystery otherwise they would be pretty boring. As a child I was shy and didn't know how to act in front of people, so I picked up my personality from the people I interfaced with, I had as many personalities as the amount of people talking to me. I saw from an early age that manipulation and deceit got you exactly what you wanted in life so I used it to my advantage. Every other word out of my mouth became a lie until I didn't even know the difference from my reality and my imagination. I never knew anything else until I grew older and started projecting my own personality, and being as nice as possible so that I could feel better about myself. I enjoyed what I became and to this day am adamant that this is who I am. Doesn't mean I know who I am, but it shows what I stand for. I may not do everything right but I do care about everyone greatly and although my mind says differently my heart is always in the right place. Life gets hard and sometimes it gets really hard but I have the strength, and in time I will be fit to love someone, I will be worthy of praise, and I will deserve the people who care about me.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I feel as if this is one of my better writes

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I know all to well how you

I know all to well how you fell , I myself go through life with the same questions..And I came to the conclusion that I am only as good as I want myself to be ..And so can you ... Stand for what you believe in no matter what they are your beliefs ..You are you and no one can change that ..You may have picked up your pesonalities from alot of others , but that is what makes you , YOU! you are a Gumbo alot of things in one pot that makes it great tasteing ...... Have a good one ...And seize everyday it is worth it ....

you laugh at me because I am differant, I laugh at you because You are all the same ...(KoRn) J.D......