My Existence

I am here to serve a purpose to which I am not certain of, but I know I can't just fade away into nothingness after I'm gone. I want to make an impact on this world, I want to do something beneficial to this planet and I don't care what. I don't want to be remembered, I just want to know that when I die I had done something meaningful that will allow me to let go. I don't want to be 80 and realize that I haven't done anything in life. I need to make a mark for myself, and only myself. I don't know what I am capable of but therein lies my potential, to do something unthought of. I constantly simulate myself because I am not doing something purposeful and every second I spend not doing something significant is a second I'm wasting of life. I can't bear the thought that maybe I am not able to fulfill this duty, not able to construe my idea to others. I feel like I am abeyant because I am not moving at my full potential like I know I can, it feels like it's locked away in a box far away and everyday I try to take a step forward to unveil the secrets of myself. I often find myself pushing people away and putting a block of ice between me and reality so that I may contemplate my actions and decisions for myself, like why my pride over-rules everything I do. I am constantly worried that if I don't help people all the time that maybe I won't make as big as an impact on their lives as I want, maybe I am not good enough to just be a friend. I look down on myself all the time because I am not who I want to be, making myself useless and unwanted. I try so hard just to maintain my stature and my cool in situations that are unforeseeable, I need to be a rock so that I may be impartial and emotionless. I need to have full control over my body, but whenever my pride is wounded my anger takes a hold of me and I can't control anything I do. I give people the impression that I am an under-achiever when they don't really understand me, it's kind of hard to explain that I am at an everyday struggle with myself to make sure I don't sink too low, or just give in to my thoughts as aberrant and insecure as they are. Every decision I make seems to be wrong to me no matter what the outcome, whether is be a failure I believe that I should just give up there and then or it be a success and I believe that I could have made the end result even better. Nothing I do I approve of basically, I am always doubting myself and always criticizing my actions, thoughts, decisions, emotions, and myself. Because of all those factors comes a disfigurement, a mental flaw if you will, that I enjoy watching me fail. A deliberate sabotage to make sure I am as miserable as I feel. Nothing I do seems to matter to me, I am so far gone from myself that it feels like I am just watching myself for my own personal entertainment, without interfering to see how much I can stand before I finally lose it. How can I possibly feel accepted by others if I don't even accept myself? I'm always alone, even in a group of friends. No one ever comes close to me and when they do I ignore them so that maybe they'll give up on me and I don't have to put on a little parade about how fantastic I am just so they don't try and help me with my problems. The key element of doing that is it's obvious that it's all fake, and when they realize this I've already resolved something and feel like I am happy again but only when it's early in the morning do I wake up and truly realize how lonely I am. I am so afraid of rejection that I never ask any of my friends out to do something, I always expect them to ask me and although sometimes this pays off, most of the time it ends in bitter disappointment. I could just go all day about every flaw in my system but that doesn't make me feel anymore sane, or happy. It just all builds to my insecurities, my confidence is not even in existence I never believe in myself because I am not doing my best. Kind of a dilemma, I feel miserable because I am not going at my full potential but I can't go at my full potential because I feel miserable. I unintentionally built up these problems during my childhood and only until I was old enough to realize that I was doing it was it already too late. Now it seems I have no control over my own mind, it feels like my brain is a drug addiction because every time I try and take control over it I seem to fall deeper. I wish I knew what to do about my lack of control over my judgements, but that's just one of the billions problems I have to solve for myself.

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Charles Cosgrove's picture

well...part of your problem is trying to control something that can never be can harness the mind to a point but never can u fully control it...its an illusion. As far as being important that is something that could be decided by others...because you are important to my well being in every have a good soul and a warm heart and anyone that is a true friend knows this. Potential is something you work at and perhaps in the may realize your impact on life is something totally different and unexpected.