Needing Christmas
by Elizabeth Van Cleve (January 26, 2014)
Anger wasn't what I felt
Yet she told me to forgive
Would life go on without me
And Christmas without my friends?
"Christmas is not for presents,"
she said; "Set your sights on Him.
It's all about the Savior."
Does that mean that I'm alone?
I need family and friends
And those I love far and wide
I need to be sharing joy
to give all of what's inside
The shelter is full of strangers
Who have seen it all before
Staff listens to my story
But does not ever love me
Loved ones far off do worry
Each says, "Tell me how to help"
I can't teach them how to swim
When I'm the one that's drowning
I remember leaner times
Days I thought I could forget
I remember good times, then
Must I feel them all again?
I want to hear you need me
Please tell me I'm not alone
There's no one here to hug me
That will let me share my love
I do my chores, I vacuum floors
make food I shouldn't eat and
pray for those in my same boat
that haven't lost their mother
Mum is gone, brother's gone too
My husband thinks I abused him
I know I didn't cause this
But knowing doesn't help me
I used to feel important
Giving, helping, those in need
Now, I'm on the taking side
I'm not so sure I like it
Thank you God for all your help
I do appreciate you
But do not make me remain here
Without loved ones at Christmas
Author's Notes/Comments:
1/26/2014 On December 5th, 2013, The last thing I expected was to I find myself in a women's shelter. Spending Christmas away from home was the last thing that I wanted. It was out of my hands however. Out of blue, my husband's brain pieced together several past events as if they all had taken place that morning, then screamed in terror at me to move out. I had hoped to talk to someone first, get him help, but when I came back home from speaking to a therapist, it was snowing, he was gone, and my key didn't fit a single lock. The last image I had of my home was the Christmas lights twinkling on our decorated tree in the front window. This event all took place at a time that I was already suffering great loss in my life. My mother had died that week. My brother a few months before that. I truly needed my husband to be there for me, but the strain on his brain was too much. After entering the shelter, some distance away from my community, I tried phoning a mutual friend, seeking some old sage wisdom. I felt so sad, grief-stricken, and lonely, anticipating being alone at Christmas in the shelter. The staff threw a Christmas party at the shelter for themselves. The few residents planned to be with their family and friends Christmas Eve and Day. I grieved for all I knew, not just those who'd died, but my community, my husband, and my home. I even miss my little dog that had died shortly after Christmas the year before. That friend I mention in this poem didn't understand what I meant, when I spoke of wanting Christmas. I hope this poem explains it better.
