Is This Suicide?


Complete lack of concern anymore
has me numb
and longing for release.

I do everything I'm not supposed to,
rebelling against the beast,
throwing caution to hell,
as I blow cigarette smoke in its face for fun,
just to piss it off.

Have I lost the ability to fight this?
Have I given up and given in,
too weak to do the battle anymore?
Have I become too tired to give a **** of its outcome?

A malevolent,
self-loathing mindset has me consumed
and too weary to beat off the insecurities,
for they outnumber that which is secure.

The needed pills fall by the wayside,
not even caring if they slide down my throat anymore,
for they only put off the inevitable
and prolong this agony.

So I am left to ponder,
to wonder at my actions of disregard-
Is this an utter disdain of hope,
an absence of self-preservation?
And I'm pressed to ask
...Is this suicide?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written back on 04-27-04

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