What Use, A Mindless Poet?


Words came easy

cascaded freely

from nimble mind

thoughts formed

into perfect meaning, effortlessly.


I struggle to remember

to spell, to speak

to create as I did before.

Gray thick fog hovers inside my head

a mental battle commences.

Its worsening day by day

its thickening hour by hour

its clouding over pill by pill.

Such a frightening,

helpless feeling.

Just another downfall

of diseases that possess me.

They've conquered my body

now they seek my mind

...my soul,

discarding my 'gift'

along with the wrappings.

Will I become so consumed by fog

till nothing is visible inside my head?

Will words be lost to me forever

floating in heavy mist?

Will my vibrant ability waste away completely

to constant backwards words, jumbled thoughts?

they already are...they already have,

each day more apparant

each process more difficult.

What good a pen?

What worth an empty page?

What use, a mindless poet?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

*note...if you could all see the poem on the original page it was written that night, with all the mistakes...or see how I struggled to find the words I was looking for...words I know, but just can't seem to remember anymore...if you saw the first version of this typed in the new thread box...before I went back and fixed the many mistakes...if you felt my utter frustration and fear at what is to become of me at age 36, with a husband, 4 children and our 6 mth old grandaughter and her Mom,(my son's fiancee) to take care of here...then you would know why I sit here crying. I cry beacuse of what is happening to my mind now...as if the rest isn't enough!!!-Lupus/Fibromyalgia/Raynauds/Sjogrens Syndrome/Meralgia Paresthecia/Corneal Erosions/Petalouce Eustacian Tube Disorder/Antiphospholipids Syndrome/and on...and on...and on...
I take 20 pills a day now...and for what? They too are maknig me sick with side effects and sometimes severe reactions like the one that sent me to the hospital in June of 2002. I live in a catch 22. At least until it kills me that is...

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