Keeping Faith

There was a time in my life, every day, seemed to be so grey.

Time and again, everyday, time went on and they all seemed to be,                  

so much the same.  

I had loves in my life, lovers, friends and family, life is transient, people go and

people come, always much the same, so much the same.  

I often had to leave, had to go so far away, inside my head, just to escape,

the everyday.  I loved them all and fought the urge to leave, fought the urge to

leave it all behind, fought so hard, to stay here, to be here for you all.

Fought so hard to only leave, flee inside my head so I could come back,

so I could come back and be there for you, instead of fleeing,

being gone forever, for the rest of your lives, until we'd maybe meet,

maybe meet once more.

So I fled, so far away and, so deep inside, to the known insanity,

inside my head.  Much easier to bear, than the unknowns in your world and

all the uncertainties, loving you all, brought to life.  So I fled to my little world,

where all made sense and I knew the rules so well, where the only monsters,

were of my own creation and, the only lies were ones I chose to believe.

Some of you understood and watched me go, you kept the faith I would return

to love you again, knowing that I never stopped, just couldn't do everything,

you needed from me.  You let me go, and kept the faith, your faith in me,

that I would return and be there for you once again.

Those of you who didn't, pushed your way in to where my sanity resides,

amidst the insanity, you pushed your claws in, to dig me out.  You pushed me

deeper in and further away.

There was a time in my life where I oft lived alone with insanity,

just to keep a grip on what I had left to call my sanity.  

Where everything was so very far from anything,

I could have ever asked of it to be.

For those of you who failed to realize, to accept or understand,

I tried to be stronger and do more, so I became the puppet of your whims,

dancing on my strings of pain and confusion as you danced me in your jig,

danced me into the flames, that were your reality, danced me in the pain,

of the everything you never really knew.  Damned me to the flames of your

ignorance.  But I danced the jigs for you, and I sang my silly songs, I placed

the faith you lacked in me, in you.  And I burned for you.  I became the pretty

boy, the smiling one you all wanted to see and believe could really be,

I gave my everything into being, what you needed, what affirmed your reality,

gave my most to those of you who least deserved, anything,

gave my most, to those who deserved less than half of my least.

There was a time in my life when everything seemed so grey,

when my everything seemed so far, was so very far from anything,

so far from what could ever be ok.

I repayed your faith in me, the faith you placed by belief,

that I would come back to you, I payed it back, with interest for the love

you shared and the healing you let me do, as only I, could find the way,

could find the path, could cry out the shame without having to answer all the


The unbelievers, I payed you back in kind, filling me with your doubts and

all your selflessly shared guilt and shame, I payed you back with the coin of your

making, left you with ashes on your tongue and without a backward glance.

All I had ever asked, was the belief I placed in you, be placed in me,

that my faith, for you and about you, in you and around you,

be given back to me when I needed you the most.

All I'd ever asked for, all I had ever wanted,

was the love and trust I gave, the love and trust I placed,

in your hands for safe keeping.  Some of you showed me another way to love,

others, showed me just how to hate, and I tried, I tried,

to be better than you.  But you deserve as you give, and you gave,

me the self loathing and doubts about, my everthing.  So you are gone, you are

no more, gone to never be, anything, ever again to me.  Never again, to be

anything.  I learned to damn you as you damned me, I kept on loving you and

keeping the faith you kept for me, as I will always do,

as my love shall always be.  When you place your heart and your faith in me,

and my love shall always be, there for you as you are there for me.

View blueeyes's Full Portfolio