I am sorry,

Beyond words can convey,

Beyond what my Lord can feel from my soul.

I tried to "know" you with my mind,

Instead of seek you with my heart.

I wanted to expose your vulnerability

To show you, I knew more about you,

Than what you wanted me know.

But you saw through me,

As if I was playing a game.

Yet, you are still a lump of coal,

Sitting in the palm of your hand.

Your desire to hold so tight,

To never let anyone see what you don't want them too,

To that extreme that causes friction and heat.

What you don't want people to know,

Leaks like smoke between your fingers.

I under-estimated your walk with God.

How you must feel like a rose in His rose garden,

When you lift your voice and sing to His Holiness.

Your relationship transcends,

And centers you.

Your children are His miracles,

That you are constantly in the awareness,

That they are not yours, but Gods.

The job at hand, is not just raise them,

But to show them their beauty,

As they are the descendants of God's royal bloodline.

At work,

It is mentally draining and demanding,

Perfection at all times,

No room for mistakes,

Total accountability.

And when there is time for you,

You don't want to entertain others...

Time for yourself is too precious to give away.

It's not to say you wouldn't help a friend in need,

But you have to fill yourself up,

To make time to see that your own cup overflows.

It is this time,

You do not want to think,

You want to laugh, to have fun.

Perhaps you saw me as total drama...

Because when it comes to matters of the heart,

I too am "serious".

I am so serious,

That I will not give my heart away, wrecklessly.

I lay all my cards on the table,

And if you can't handle me like that,

I'd rather know now,

Than to chance my heart on suffering a direct hit.

I am gay,

I don't care what people say.

I don't live for those who don't believe in me,

But for those who do,

And most importantly,

I live for myself, and MY GOD.

I will not live a lie,

He already knows me.

I do not know how to live any other way,

I may come across as "too much" at first,

But my depths are not always based in my past,

In my sorrows,

But I have moments where kites cannot fly.

I too get filled with the Lord.

And what I had with you, exceptionally fantastic.

But you said, "That wasn't of God, and you know it."

Perhaps you'll now understand what I mean when I say,

"The next time we meet, I will stand in my strength."

It is more than merely standing in my humanity.

The wonderful humanity that God created me to be.

I am a soulful creature,

Purposeful, methodical,

Artistic, Creative,

Adamant about stepping to my own drum.

Maybe you see me as "too bold",

With some things being, "over your head",

And maybe, when I'm in "your space with your time",

I'm too deep when you just want to decompress.

I can laugh with you,

I can cry with you,

I can be many things,

But I will not stop being who I am,

What God created me to be.

I am love,

I'm sorry if that scares you.

Like I told you,

I will wait.

The smoke in your hand tells me a great story,

You are already willing to go out of your way to be with me.

Even if it's for playful times.

You already see my depth,

And know I am far from shallow.

You are waiting to,

To see when I will laugh,

To see when I will seek you with my heart,

To see if I AM FOR REAL.

It is obvious,

I have something you desire,

But you do not want to sacrifice your balanced life,

To attain what I have.

Because I am not an item

That can liquidate parts of myself.

I tried to play hard to get,

But those are childrens games,

They are petty and do not edify either of us.

Sure, I like your flirtatious ways,

It keeps me laughing,

And it fills me with joy.

I will accept you where you are at,

I will not monopolize

Your free time,

Your family time,

Your time at work.

I will take the time you have for me,

Enjoy it thouroughly,

And rest in the knowledge that one day,

Your heart will not know how,

Not to need me.

My lovership is exquisite,

Nurturing and loving,

Comforting and Healing,

Inspiring and Edifying,

And sooner than you think,

You will see that.

Maybe you already do,

And are just scared to take that first step.

That first step where so many others burned you before.

You often have said,

"How can you love me, you don't know me."

I see the smoke you can't smell.

I see your dedication,

I have had you as an exceptional friend,

One who never sugar coats,

But says exactly what is on your mind.

This is what I am gratful for,

How am I to build myself up, without honest input?

I hear neediness beyond the flirtation,

And when I touch you,

I feel the beat of your heart.

My question to you is,

"What about you is there not to love?"

You said you have "bad respect for me".

Do you not respect me for my ability,

To know what is in my heart,

To know what I AM saying?

Can you accept that I can love you,

For all that you have shown me?

Can you accept that I love you,

Because I have been in the bowels of hell,

And have learned who to trust instinctually

Because deficits allow people to compensate in other ways.

I am sorry,

For not seeing you with my heart,

For not accepting you,

Where God accepts you.

And if I am to be in the Compassion of Christ,

I owe you that much.

But above all,

Can you tell me,

"What about you is there not to love?"

Author's Notes/Comments: 

TR Thinking out loud.

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