In my searching,

I have ran faster than the wind,

And yet never felt the brook wash over me,

As I drowned in my searching for truth,

In the souls of immortals.

The truth I searched for burned my eyes closed to the worlds,


Scarring my smiling face,

With thick calussed skin on my brow.

Truth is only as we are,

Never as it truly is.

When will I see truth for what it is,

Not in immortals,

Not in wise men,

Not something transcended by the ages of time,

Not sifted down into simple terms,

Just what it is.

It is the blade that cuts us when we blind ourselves

To the other side of any possible fate.

We run to the new car,


But in our haste, there is taxes, tags, insurance,

Was getting the car as much joy as we thought?

Or is it just a different ball and chain?

I am angry,

With so many things...including myself.

I knew that the past lent me and my partner nothing good.

And I DID overcome a lot of hurts,

But now, I am asking again, for what cost.

Was knowing the truth worth the four years of torture,

IF getting the truth this time means,

I have to go through another train wreck?

I will not strike her, and she will not strike me,

If we remind eachother that we are just at two different points.

I am looking to the Lord,

And she is running away from the image in the mirror.

And perhaps we are both only trying to shed a sort of skin.

Was this time worth hearing her say,

"Oh, Stacy, I didn't mean what I said that way.

I only meant it to hurt you, for that moment, not a lifetime."

When I think of this, and I ask her to leave,

What words will I give her?

What words will she take with her, ones I never meant, or said?

I have seen my grandchildren, and am pleased,

But may have to give them all up, to reserve my own sanity.

What grandmother could even think this about her own?

What person can offer a fleece to someone in need of so much,

Only to take it back?

I am walking a tightrope--

Between what I need for my mental health,

And what I can give without drowning?

Was reconnecting with my grandchildren,

Feeling so needed and loved by them,

Allowing myself to trust those instincts again,

Worth the hurt of giving them up?

At this point, perhaps yes, but not for long.

I can't keep up this pace much longer.

I crave a solid road, steady predictable friends.

But am I where I started at?

No, at least I think, trust and feel...

Both the good and bad.

I want to live life, not endure it.

I want to go on trying to find my happiness,

Not leave it for naught....

I still have hope.


Maybe, this experience still hasn't all been chalked up,

For nothing.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Before a reconnection, wondering...

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