Why do I call you my GOD?

Because, I wonder what more I can endure.

Someone who accused me of heinous things,

Yet, could not tell me that our child was a ruse.

Then she filed a restraining order on me to boot.

I endured the court,

Proved my innocense.

But I still feel like the teacher who has "allegedly"

Taken crimminal liberties with a child.

And even though he didn't do it,

His reputation has gone through the mud.

His years of study worth practically nothing...

Because one can't erase print from thousands of newpapers.

I have tried to grieve a child that simply did not exist.

Her seven year old, that she and him shared my last name.

And as for her unborn babe,

This woman I loved, who saw it as a truth,

Believed it in HER mind, and conviced me of it...

Caught me in the cross-fire of a phantom pregnancy.

Now, My father has died.

Not my biological father--who left me, who burned that bridge.

The father I have in turn, cast aside,

Because he wants nothing to do with his lesbian daughter.

There is no way on your green earth that I am HIS "seed".

But today, I buried my "DAD",

The man who chose me,

Knew everything up front,

Accepted me with no questions asked.

Who was not embarassed of me, and took me where I was at.

I now sit in the hurt and the pain,

Remembering him,

Remembering my son and daughter,

Remembering my ex-wife.

Even in the midst of all that my ex has done,

I'd just like a hug.

She lost her "Dad" several years ago...she understands:


I don't care about what happened between us...

If she just would have told me,

I could have forgiven her then.

Right now, I need her as a friend.

Her mother still prays and loves me.

I need someone who'll tell me that,

"I will be okay."

That sometime ahead in the future...things will be "alright",


Why do I call you my GOD,

When I do not see how I can take much more,

The load gets so much heavier.

Especially when I think I can't go on.

All I hear is,

"What you are feeling is normal."

"It's the grieving process."

I could give a seminar on the "GRIEVING PROCESS",

But that doesn't make this jagged little pill,

   Any easier to swallow.

Why do I call you my, "GOD".

I feel so alone anyway like you are not even here.

I prayed for someone special to come into my life...

And got SCAMMED.

I prayed for a family,

It came, and was taken away, without even being real.

What a joke...did you laugh when it was "played" on me?

Is that it?

You created my life to be a constant joke for you?

Am I your JOB?

Because get this,

I will not curse the day I was born,

I know I always retain the choice and power of the ultimate,


But I feel like, if I can't figure out why you are MY GOD,

Maybe you should tell me.

What is all this pain for and worth?

And why does it please you so?

So I can see the suffering of Christ,

Feel the whips He endured a little easier?

Be grateful in a world that doesn't care?

Please, don't take offense to my anger...

Just understand, it must be easy to have the worlds answers.

And as you sit on high, knowing you have the power to change

   Everything, Anything, yet nothing...

I'm asking you,

Did your compassion for us stop at Christ?

Why do I call you my GOD...

You tell me...

Because I can't take it anymore.

I am your servant, but it's not my job to entertain YOU,

With my pain, my sorrow, my grief, my anguish, my anger,

     my resentment, my hatred of life, my sarcasm...



Author's Notes/Comments: 

I feel I can't take anymore crap.  This six months has been the hardest of my life.  My mind is like swiss cheese and has so many holes it feels like a coffee filter.  Pain just flooding through, straining out the answers of peace and comfort.

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