I earnestly...

I prayed for clarity,

         for resolution,

         for discernment,

         for stability within myself.

Neither in manic moods or depressed ones:

No one needs to make, LIFE ALTERING DECISIONS.

I had been approached by a man...

It didn't matter to him that I was lesbian.

However, I needed prayer to figure things out.

Life would be easier in a straight relationship.

He was a good and gentle man--

Not like the rest...not at all.

God knew that,

I knew that,

And I thought that was all that MATTERED.

But I didn't know if "I COULD GO THERE".

I decided, it may not have mattered to him, but it did to me.

He is a man, who enjoyed looking at women...

I am not typical, and I didn't need a relationship where

I felt constantly "compared",


Yes, my lesbianism mattered to me,

It meant free, self-sufficient, independant,


I have had an ex-wife,

A lady with whom I have recently parted with,

A woman I loved with all my heart.

I have prayed so hard for resolution to come,

So we did not have to look at one another in bitterness.

But then an old abusive partner re-entered my life...

This time, clean and sober.

I got resolution in this relationship,

However, at a strangely high cost.

I thought resolution wasn't supposed to hurt so.

I thought we could remain friends.

I thought that she did love me...

    In her own sick way, that time ago.

Still further into the chasm of "wierd",

Years ago...I prayed...

My car had blown it's motor,

And I was in dier need of a car...anything,

Even if it was "Baby poop blue".

God revealed HIS sense of humor, and that is the color I got.

I could not gripe, He had provided a vehicle...

    With no expense to me.

With earnest prayers for resolution,

                     for clarity,

                     for discernment,

                     for stability...

I found resolution at a cost...stakes I couldn't handle,

So maybe with the ex-wife I have, I won't ask for it...

To let go, and let God.

I found discernment with that young man,

And maybe, in times of vulnerability,

I entertain what is easier, but resolve myself to adhere to


Through discernment, I have found clarity,

That uncommon notion by which brings stability.

To see things as they are, not as I am or want.

And in this end all,

God has reminded me,

That in His time,

All things will come...all things heal...all things happen--

Even at great pains,

Everything has a time and place, every detail necessary,


Author's Notes/Comments: 

I had courage to ask my abusive ex lover, "WHY".  The reason she gave, blew my mind.  It was so far from the truth I had accepted years ago...yet in many ways, it hurt more so because she hid behind lines and games.  And in the end all, whether the truth she gave, or the truth I supplied, both weighed heavily on my heart the same. I cannot at this time bring myself to pray for resolution with my ex-wife.  I'm not sure we could believe the others answers...or if I could accept what she felt as her truth.  And God forbid, if it is worse on my soul--than what I already think, I don't think I could survive a more bitter parting.

Yes, God has a sense of humor, but He also is stubborn for many a good reason--if we can't stand still long enough to turn things over, we'll keep stepping on His plans.
I'm not patient...I pray that I can be soon.

As for right now, everyting in life has stakes, and I just don't want to play anything of consequense like a casino game.

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