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PRAYING FOR AN OASIS
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PSYCHOLOGY They decimated me with words,
And I hid the sensitivity of my own skin,
Underneath a hard, cold, iron clad heart.
Touch now hurts—
Because the promises they made
Fell like palms during a hurricane.
Their words now clang like the tolling of a bell…
“If you don’t get off when I go down on you—
WHAT IS THE POINT!”
In that one sentence…she pronounced me,
DEFECTIVE, UNWORTHY, UNLOVEABLE.
Another lover…declared that I didn’t love her,
Because I could not give an orgasm…
ON DEMAND.
With these messages,
How could I not help but hear…
“I am not good enough to cherish and be loved.
I am not worth one’s time,
(Because orgasms do take time.)
Because I wasn’t aroused,
Because I wasn’t wet,
I could not love her…
THEREFORE:
WHY BOTHER?”
I AM TERRIFIED!
WHAT HAPPENS IF WE…EVER GET…
WHAT IF I’M NOT ABLE…
WHAT IF…
Sentences I cannot finish.
The stakes are too high,
My vulnerability is at a way to fragile threshold.
I am barely able to maintain composure.
The pain…FAR TOO GREAT.
What would happen…
If you touched me?
What if I couldn’t think fast enough…
To channel stimuli,
To my Brain,
To my erogenous zones,
Back to my brain.
What if I take too much time?
What do I say if it all feels so wonderful,
But none of it is “working”—
Towards that “goal”.
Will you see me as DEFECTIVE?
Will you stop touching me?
Will you stop loving me?
Will I be the joke…of your insults?
And:
Will your orgasms become priority…
Will they be more important because,
They are “time and energy friendly”?
Right now—
I don’t think I can survive,
Another vicious attack on my heart.
From the heinous host of lies that say, “I LOVE YOU.”
When in truth,
It is your…Vanity…Conceit…and Arrogance,
That makes you crave to hear these words...
More than you can give them with an honest heart.
You say them for your own ears.
What makes you different from them?
THEN I THINK…
What if I’m…your first?
What if things don’t “work right”…as “planned”?
What if my touch, isn’t fittingly appropriate,
To what your body needs?
What if your body needs something,
That goes against the conventional wisdom
Of what I do know?
Deserts are filled with broken bones,
And dry vast expanses of heat and sand.
You and I have been through the rough terrain
Of several bad relationships.
There is a longer journey ahead…
Perhaps there will be an oasis, perhaps not.
IF WE DO NOT FIND IT TOGETHER,
At least these thoughts,
Were shared with a new best friend.
