I finally found that part of me…

So real…

So profound…

That will never be taken away.

I used to worry about whether I was a good lover…

How long I could last,

    Making love to someone.

How long I could stretch her nerve endings

    Like a rubber-band

    Until their limit reached

    Overwrought with anticipation of it’s snapping

    Into her convulsive orgasms

How I could use all of my body,

    To touch all of her body,

    In an effort to show,

    The depths of my love.

But anyone can do these things WELL.

I used to worry,

    About whether or not she could replace me…

    Replace the joyous celebrations,

    The dance and play between our bodies.

I worried…

What IF someone else was BETTER…

Would she forget me?

But it doesn’t matter,

Because if that is all she sees,

Then she lost the best part of me.

I remember the first night we met,

The first times we did embraced each other sexually,

Thinking what we had was love,

When each of us gulped each other up to fill a void,

Neither of us wanted to face…to name.

Where we took that which was filling us,

And called it love.

It was not lust, it was not sex,

It was just filling a need—

So sweetly, caringly done,

It blinded us to reality.

Yet, on that first day,

I knew she was pregnant.

And still, she asked for me,

To slide my fingers within,

And “Dance Inside Her.”

I could not.

What if I hurt her unborn child?

Then she eased my mind,

And I followed the instruction with care.

Without knowing,

Thinking it was only the result of wetness

I did not bother to look…

She was sure that penetration was okay.

I simply had nothing to worry about.

After all was said and done,

My hand free,

My face must have turned white.

She became very concerned.

I turned at the foot of the bed,

Covered my hand with a towel,

And instructed her to go to the bathroom.

All the while I cried.

After giving herself proper care,

She came to me and said,

“Things like this sometime happen.

I’ll call my Doctor.

I’m sure everything is fine.”

“If I’m the cause of you loosing your child,

I could never forgive myself.”

She kissed me,

Went to the phone to tell the Doc,

"I need to come in, right away."

All the while, not realizing,

Her blood still covered my hand.

I washed and waited for her return

Moments dragged like hours.

However, like she said,

Everything WAS fine.

From that day on I put her needs before my own,

For the sake of this child.

I wanted to take her to the hospital,

But she kept me at bay…

    After all, we really didn’t know each other well.

Many days were like this…

     Attentive to her every need…

     Attentive to the unborn child…

     Attentive by rubbing her back and feet…

Many days where I loved her so much…

That my world expanded outside of sex…

That I transcended into spirituality,

    All that I felt for her.

I truly believed,

God had brought us together…

    And I rejoiced in her...in all-ways...and always.

As I now look back,

She can replace me,

The orgasms, the fantasies, the ongoing conquests.

But she’ll never see between the lines of LOVE,

That I was a good steward of LOVER-SHIP.  


What makes my point even more clear…

Is that there was no child…

Phantom pregnancy and hype...

She spoon feed me HER dream..

Resurrecting a dream of one I had long since let go.

I attentive to, essentially,

A nothing,

That she knew was nothing...

Deep down...but her body could not escape her mind.

Anyone can be a great lover,

But I demonstrated...

    The giving of my heart...

    The sacrificing financially for the sake of a family...

    The prioritizing of need for the sake of her child...  

    The caring of her health, her body, her mind...

         Because she believed so much in her child...

         And later, when the body didn't produce the dream,

              She faced the death of another child.  


    All before I knew there was nothing.

I demonstrated LOVE,

I defined it in LOVERSHIP.

Anyone can be a great lover,

But it's hollow without LOVERSHIP.

A matter of FAITH without works, is not FAITH.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

In spite of the people we come across, no matter what they say or do, after they leave us, we have to face ourselves.  And it is up to us to define whether or not we fell short of that internal mark we hold ourselves up to.  Sometimes we loose sight of it, but it's only a thought away to regain.

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